Raccoon Inc.: The Last Word In Awesome: Raccoon Inc. vs. The Senate

TRY TO GET MY GOOD SIDE

An informal poll performed recently at the luxurious downtown offices of Raccoon Inc. has produced a split decision on its opinions towards the validity of the Canadian Senate. Senators often get a raw deal. The actions of the few often paint the actions of the many. For example, on one hand...

Deal with it.

Ah, but on the other hand...

...

Say, where'd the picture go that was supposed to show the nice, productive things the senators do?

...

What do you mean "we can't find any"?

...

There's gotta be someone!

Pick me! Pick me!

What the..? No!

...

Well throw something up on the screen!

"That, in our system, sir, is a mandate."

No, not Pamela Wallin! She kind of has this way of coming across as arrogant and elitist, and that's not the image that we want to portray here. Could you put up something else, please?

"The answer is simple; our loyalty is to the man who brought us here, the man who has wanted Senate reform since he entered politics, the Rt. Hon. Stephen Harper."

No, not Bert Brown, either. I don't think anyone even knows who Bert Brown even is, including Bert Brown. Someone else, more well-known. Something positive.

“This isn’t the end of the world here. But it is something that needs to be investigated and frankly burns my butt, because the dirty tricksters are at it and I don’t think anybody in politics like this.

Oh no! Not Mike Duffy trying to dismiss criminal electoral fraud as just a practical joke perpetrated by people in no way linked to political parties! Gee whiz, this isn't working out so well... No wonder we didn't put up a second picture.

Isn't there someone out there -anyone at all - that can stand up for the plight of the lowly, downtrodden, oft-lampooned, good-natured, misunderstood Senator?

PATRICK BRAZEAU

Excellent! A dynamic young man to show that the senate isn't full of crusty, stuffy old white guys in suits that are too busy tending to their private enterprises to show up at work.

Who has the worst attendance record in the Senate this past year? This guy.

Really? No way! Seriously?

Who missed 65% of his Aboriginal Affairs Committee meetings?

Get out! Geez. Well, at least you don't chair any committees with that shoddy record.

Who's missed 31% of his meetings as the deputy chair of the Human Rights Committee?

Aw crap. Well, at least, you know, you keep a low profile.

This guy.

Well, at least your underwear keeps a low profile. Still it was for charity. You can't say he's not a good guy.

Who called the reporter who brought the crappy attendance record to light a bitch?

Well, we all have our off-days, right? And reporters can be mighty pesky sometimes. This incident is not indicative of his personality as a whole and should in no way-

Who allegedly sexually assaulted a staffer and then picked a fight with the reporter on that story, too?

.....

Cheque, please!

DIAGNOSIS

I think I understand what's going on here, and believe me, this is just "hypothetical".
This is what goes on inside the Senate:

Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.

I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

This is what goes on in the "real world":

Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.

I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.

*crickets*

Because that's really the difference! There are two sets of rules here: one for us and the other for them. Is it fair? No! Who's to blame?

THE BLAME GAME

Well, the easy answer is the Prime Minister.

Oh, sure. Pick on the little guy. Everyone else does.

If there are bad eggs in the basket, look to who put them there, right? Yeah, sorta.., but then you'd sort of be blaming everyone. Senate reform isn't easy - for any party. Right, Paul?

Up, up, and a-long the same lines as the previous administration.

Right. So, I don't think that it's necessarily fair to blame the Prime Minister for this one.

This blog is officially unofficially endorsed by the Conservative Party of Canada.

Naw, the real answer is the Canadian people. You know, if they really, like, got mad and raised a stink then politicians might get off their butts and to something. But that's an equally nebulous answer as "getting off their butts" would require such arcane conjuration as House of Commons approval, Senate approval (ha!), seven of ten provinces to approving, a unicorn horn, the bullet that shot J. R., Yorick's skull, a Level 12 Rattata, respectful behaviour from Rob Ford, good acting by Paul Gross, and the ghost of William Mackenzie King's dog to be brought about.

So, that's not going to happen. Not easily, anyway. In the end, like almost every political thing, the people have to get angry. That's step one. Then focus that anger and tell the people in power that the Senate sucks in its current form! Give them term limits! Make them accountable! Make them elected! Take away perks! Abolish the thing entirely!

The hard part is while everyone can agree that the Senate is not really respectful to Joe Q. Taxpayer, the Senate is deee-licious gravy for politicians of all stripes, and while everyone can shoot fire about how crappy the senate is, once they get to the top that deee-licous gravy tastes pretty good and nothing's done.

In the end, while...

This guy.

...ought to be facing some sort of discipline..,

This guy.

...is just a typical example of what passes for "sober second thought" in the Red Chamber, but in order to fix it it's going to take a lot more than just the anger over...