Friday 18 January 2013

The Last Word In #LanceArmstrong

Good evening.

Given that Lance Armstrong is now exploding I thought that it would be a good time to compile a list of the very best of what the internet Twitter to say about Lance Armstrong, cause, you know, I have zero creativity or panache of my own.  Enjoy!


Why would you tell Oprah about your steroid use??? She's just gonna tell everybody.

I think the greatest fraud perpetrated was duping people into caring about professional bicycle riding.

yo big up on becoming the most successful drug taker of all time. Thats an accomplishment 

'If Lance Armstrong was Indian his parents would be more ashamed of him being a cyclist than of the doping'  

Remember ladies: fat lazy guys like me don't have the will to lie like that. 

Oprah: Lance Armstrong, are you Lance Armstrong? Lance Armstrong: Yes. (This guy is such a liar!).

  
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA RT : Only a white person would snitch on himself.  

Fair play to for riding a bike so well on drugs. I tried once. Crashed into a bus stop full of old ladies and students. 

It’s all about context: Bicyclists on PEDs -- despicable. Unicyclists on PEDs -- adorable.  

So you finally told the truth. What do you want? A Medal for it?  


Ratings on for 1st night of were meh. Seems viewers prefer to watch him pedaling rather than backpedaling

In light of confessing all his sins I’d like to admit that I find a lot of people annoying.  

Myself and 99% of American population agree ... ... all 15 of the worlds cycling fans are devastated 

They should totally take his other ball away as punishment.  

finally comes clean on . Should he come out with a new wrist band saying "dopestrong"? 

Who says is not employable? He's a cunning salesman, with pharmaceutical experience.

Lacne Armstrong lied to us. What's next? He admits he never walked on the moon?!  

If a man thinks he looks good in lycra then he's definitely on drugs  

“: He isn't winning me over yet, when will the tears start? ” When he injects them in an ad break 

The only way could look more uncomfortable in this interview is if Oprah made him sit on bike without a seat the whole time 

Really regretting that "Lance is not a cheat" tattoo right about now  

I don't care what he says, he's still ridiculously handsome.  

I could forgive the doping. I could forgive the lying. But , I cannot forgive your forcing us to watch Oprah. 

If you see Lance Armstrong books in a sport or motivation section of a bookshop. Please pick it up and put in Fiction RT 

It takes ball to admit you cheated.  

's punishment should be the use of technology to replace the past 20 yrs of his life with my high school yrs. 

A lot of people also think what did was OK because he raised millions for charity, also known as the Savile Defence 

should've gone for broke and said "F*** y'all, I got mine!!" - now that would be great TV. 

Most disgusting thing about the interview is hearing about his pee being frozen for 6 years  


He looked up cheat in the dictionary?? Really? That's some Bill Clinton "sexual relations" shizz

Does it really count as a confession when they have you dead to rights?  

At this point, admitting to using PEDs would be like Mike Tyson admitting to having a tattoo on his face.

Breaking: Lance Armstrong to admit his magnetic power bands don't really have gyroscopic powers.  


When said he probably lost $75 million in sponsors, looked at him like he said he misplaced his watch.

Are you a better human being now because of all of this? "Without a doubt" while shaking his head.  

Oprah: "Did this help you become a better human being?" Could have left the "better" out.  

coming off more human in part 2 of interview. Then again, my couch comes off more human than he did last night. 

THANKS FOR TEACHING ME A NEW WORD (APOPLECTIC) . YOU'RE ALL GOOD IN MY BOOK NOW MATE.  

not even these donuts can help me anymore  

Who watchin the interview wit ? Who could trust a word he says. I don even trust his tears, I bet Oprahs peelin onions 

Will you rise again Lance? What a stupid question. He's not Batman.  

Waiting for confession interview with George W. on Iraq. He might be retroactively stripped of the presidency.  

Lance Armstrong didn't take steroids...Chuck Norris sneezed on him  

Gosh has taken a fall from grace since he was the gay one in shagging the cute guy from  

I'll bet wishes he had a fake dead girlfriend. 

Did and hug at the end of the interview? I have a beer riding on it. 

Interview Part II: "Did you ever steal someone else's bike rather than fix a flat tire on yours?" Lance: "Yes."  

What's the big deal about ? I have tons of friends who ride bicycles and do drugs. 

Lance Armstrong makes Pete Rose look like nice guy with a little problem. 

Apologize like : "Sure I called you a whore, but I never said you were fat." 

So tired of hearing about . He's an effing douche. Period. Can we please go back to Ryan Gosling updates? 

Ha! “: Non- related thought: Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" is still a dope song.” 

My only conclusion from the Lance Armstrong interview is that Lance needs to stop cycling and Oprah needs to start cycling!  

An egocentric sociopathic wanker....oh, that's right, you're a cyclist  

reminds me about how much I don't care about cycling and how much I hate the French. 

Interview Part II: "Is it true you masturbated excessively before a big race?" Lance: "Yes." (Is nothing sacred, ?!) 

argue that had been allowed to carry a gun during the Tour De France, he'd never need PEDs.  

Once I had a railroad, made it run, now it's done, brooooother can you spare a dime?

I wish Lance had injected with an inquisitive gene homone!!  


Lance: “I Owe A Lot Of People Apologies.” You mispronounced "money."

still no word on those roids you promised me? 

: I'll never be able to watch Dodgeball again. Ruined. 

": The truth will set you free..." // And take away all your medals and money. 

That warm, stingy glow in the quads that says, "I could really go some cortisone now."  

is a disgrace to those of us who workout without drugs- 's mom.  

Peter Hartlaub ‏@peterhartlaub
Noticed a little poker tell. Whenever he starts sentence with "To be honest," he's never being honest.

Bill Kilmer ‏@slayerbill
Isn't the worst thing about the fact that he boinked ?

Julia ‏@BoredomAbounds
All I can think about during this interview is how much I want Oprah's earrings.

Barrett Whiteford ‏@Barrett_W
In the world of the sterile the ONE ball man is still KING

treena chambers ‏@adogabroadayear
you've gotta respect a guy who's willing to throw his ex-wife under the train.

Diana Chan ‏@dianachan8
That was the most boring interview with and . Her interview with Bieber was way more interesting.

MC Brown ‏@michaelcbrown
didn't just perfect doping, he invented it. He also sank the Titanic & kidnapped the Lindbergh baby.

Chris Wakelin ‏@cwakelin
Breaking News. Tomorrow, it will be revealed that it was that green lit "John Carter".

Steve Stevens ‏@SteveStevens10
The worst bit about this whole saga? The Frenchies were right all along ...


Thank you everyone for reading and remember: if you really want to get under the skin of the rich and miserable I find ridicule works best.  Have a good night!
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