Raccoon Inc. vs. The Senate

TRY TO GET MY GOOD SIDE

An informal poll performed recently at the luxurious downtown offices of Raccoon Inc. has produced a split decision on its opinions towards the validity of the Canadian Senate.  Senators often get a raw deal.  The actions of the few often paint the actions of the many.  For example, on one hand...

Deal with it.

Ah, but on the other hand...

...

Say, where'd the picture go that was supposed to show the nice, productive things the senators do?

...

What do you mean "we can't find any"?

...

There's gotta be someone!

Pick me!  Pick me!

What the..?  No!

...

Well throw something up on the screen!

"That, in our system, sir, is a mandate."

No, not Pamela Wallin!  She kind of has this way of coming across as arrogant and elitist, and that's not the image that we want to portray here.  Could you put up something else, please?

"The answer is simple; our loyalty is to the man who brought us here, the man who has wanted Senate reform since he entered politics, the Rt. Hon. Stephen Harper."

No, not Bert Brown, either.  I don't think anyone even knows who Bert Brown even is, including Bert Brown.  Someone else, more well-known.  Something positive.

“This isn’t the end of the world here. But it is something that needs to be investigated and frankly burns my butt, because the dirty tricksters are at it and I don’t think anybody in politics like this.

Oh no!  Not Mike Duffy trying to dismiss criminal electoral fraud as just a practical joke perpetrated by people in no way linked to political parties!  Gee whiz, this isn't working out so well...  No wonder we didn't put up a second picture.

Isn't there someone out there -anyone at all - that can stand up for the plight of the lowly, downtrodden, oft-lampooned, good-natured, misunderstood Senator?


PATRICK BRAZEAU

Excellent!  A dynamic young man to show that the senate isn't full of crusty, stuffy old white guys in suits that are too busy tending to their private enterprises to show up at work.

Who has the worst attendance record in the Senate this past year?  This guy.

Really?  No way!  Seriously?

Who missed 65% of his Aboriginal Affairs Committee meetings?

Get out!  Geez.  Well, at least you don't chair any committees with that shoddy record.

Who's missed 31% of his meetings as the deputy chair of the Human Rights Committee?

Aw crap.  Well, at least, you know, you keep a low profile.

This guy.

Well, at least your underwear keeps a low profile.  Still it was for charity.  You can't say he's not a good guy.

Who called the reporter who brought the crappy attendance record to light a bitch?

Well, we all have our off-days, right?  And reporters can be mighty pesky sometimes.  This incident is not indicative of his personality as a whole and should in no way-

Who allegedly sexually assaulted a staffer and then picked a fight with the reporter on that story, too?

.....

Cheque, please!

DIAGNOSIS

I think I understand what's going on here, and believe me, this is just "hypothetical".
This is what goes on inside the Senate:

Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.

I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

This is what goes on in the "real world":

Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.

I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.

*crickets*

Because that's really the difference!  There are two sets of rules here: one for us and the other for them.  Is it fair?  No!  Who's to blame?

THE BLAME GAME

Well, the easy answer is the Prime Minister.

Oh, sure.  Pick on the little guy.  Everyone else does.

If there are bad eggs in the basket, look to who put them there, right?  Yeah, sorta.., but then you'd sort of be blaming everyone.  Senate reform isn't easy - for any party.  Right, Paul?

Up, up, and a-long the same lines as the previous administration.

Right.  So, I don't think that it's necessarily fair to blame the Prime Minister for this one.

This blog is officially unofficially endorsed by the Conservative Party of Canada.

Naw, the real answer is the Canadian people.  You know, if they really, like, got mad and raised a stink then politicians might get off their butts and to something.  But that's an equally nebulous answer as "getting off their butts" would require such arcane conjuration as House of Commons approval, Senate approval (ha!), seven of ten provinces to approving, a unicorn horn, the bullet that shot J. R., Yorick's skull, a Level 12 Rattata, respectful behaviour from Rob Ford, good acting by Paul Gross, and the ghost of William Mackenzie King's dog to be brought about. 

So, that's not going to happen.  Not easily, anyway.  In the end, like almost every political thing, the people have to get angry.  That's step one.  Then focus that anger and tell the people in power that the Senate sucks in its current form!  Give them term limits!  Make them accountable!  Make them elected!  Take away perks!  Abolish the thing entirely!

The hard part is while everyone can agree that the Senate is not really respectful to Joe Q. Taxpayer, the Senate is deee-licious gravy for politicians of all stripes, and while everyone can shoot fire about how crappy the senate is, once they get to the top that deee-licous gravy tastes pretty good and nothing's done.

In the end, while...

This guy.

...ought to be facing some sort of discipline..,

This guy.

...is just a typical example of what passes for "sober second thought" in the Red Chamber, but in order to fix it it's going to take a lot more than just the anger over...

This guy.

...to generate the momentum to get it done.  But you know, money talks.  Listen to this: by age 75, Canadian taxpayers will have paid...

This guy.

... $7.55 million (not adjusting for inflation) just so that...

This guy.

...can do just whatever the hell...

This guy.

...wants to do.

Think about that.  And have a good night.

Random Word Wednesday V

 Time for Random Word Wednesday V.  WAY better than Rocky V!  Here we go!


Ray

Ray Stevens: America's answer to Paul McCartney.

Harold Ray Ragsdale (which is an awesome name in its own right) was born in Clarksdale, Georgia on January 24, 1939 - but rather than give the, you know, upright, Wikipedia definition of the man I thought I'd go a little more abstract than that.  Working long hours at CAA I find that he really does help me make it through the night.  After all, he's a phenomenal songwriter that's won two Grammies over his career, so it's O.k. to get a little misty thinking about it.  I mean, when he's not going for the cheap, Benny Hill style gags, he has a real knack for showing how everything is beautiful, regardless.  At the same time though, I find it difficult to reconcile The Mississippi Squirrel Revival Ray, say, Osama Yo Mama Ray.  Also that whole Obama Budget Plan thing.  Well, I guess the streak of Tea Party that's running through the States right now, which is neither hither nor yon.  I will say this: I'm 31.  He was induced into the Nashville Songwriter's Hall of Fame the year I was born and he has been active, producing new material, and popular ever since.  And feistier every year.  So good on you Ray!  Or Harry.  Eh, I dunno.  Unnecessary pseudonyms...  I could do a whole article about that alone.


Speciality

And how old is 31?  Old enough that this brings back fond memories.

O.k.  Let's see if I can remember their names without looking it up...  Going left to right: Jodi the night cleaner, Sam Krenshaw the security guard (a puppet), Jeff the magical manikin, and Muffie the mouse (also a puppet).  Lots of alteration there.  Was I right..?  Ha!  Not bad.  I just spelled "Jodie" and "Crenshaw" wrong.  Otherwise, perfect.  Why?  Because I watched a lot of Today's Special with I was a little kid.  It was a TVOntario show that I, uh, somehow saw in Saskatchewan as a kid.  I forget what channel it was on, but it was on from 1982 to 1987 and was a kid's show about this manikin that came to life when he a) was wearing this hat and b) when you said the magical words "hocus pocus alimagocus".  Hmm...  My spell checker's going crazy right now.  Anyway, so if his hat fell off he'd turn back into a manikin, or if he left the store he'd turn back into a manikin permanently.  Ooo...  The neat part about this was that he's not a man that got turned into a manikin, but rather a manikin that got turned into a man, so he doesn't know a whole lot about the world at all.  Through his friends he laughs and learns and has adventures and yearns to be human himself, not unlike Data from Star Trek.  Beyond being a good show, it was an interesting show and for that, hat's off.  ...!  Oh no!  Jeff!  Aww, I didn't mean it literally...


Hint

Ah, Caravaggio...  No one did ambiguous portraits of young men touching each other better.

And without any further ado, here is a grand list of the various forms of predicting the future.

 Alectromancy: by observation of a rooster pecking at grain. (I think I'd get bored of that real fast.)
Astrology: by the movements of celestial bodies. (I predict that the sun will rise in the morning.)
Astromancy: by the stars. (I also predict that the stars will come out at night.)
Augury: by the flight of birds. (Ostriches need not apply.)
Bazi or four pillars: by hour, day, month, and year of birth. (Aristotle debunked this one.)
Bibliomancy: by books; frequently, but not always, religious texts. (Jack Van Impe: Bibliomancer.)
Cartomancy: by playing cards, tarot cards, or oracle cards. (And Moses said: The dealer shall hold at 17.)
Ceromancy: by patterns in melting or dripping wax. (Ruining birthday cakes for centuries.)
Cheiromancy: by the shape of the hands and lines in the palms. (As pictured above.)
Chronomancy: by determination of lucky and unlucky days. (Looks like a case of the Mondays.)
Clairvoyance: by spiritual vision or inner sight. (Phencyclidine does not count.)
Cleromancy: by casting of lots, or casting bones or stones. (Aka. a craps table.)
Cold reading: by using visual and aural clues. (Crossing Over with John Edward.)
Crystallomancy: by crystal ball also called scrying. (Pretty cliché if you ask me.)
Extispicy: by the entrails of animals. (Ask your butcher about your mutual fund portfolio today!)
Face Reading: by means of variations in face and head shape. (Hint: You're ugly.)
Feng shui: by earthen harmony. (Coffee tables: the key to spiritual well-being.)
Gastromancy: by stomach-based ventriloquism. (.........  Ew.)
Geomancy: by markings in the ground, sand, earth, or soil. (I think those there are tractor tire tracks...)
Haruspicy: by the livers of sacrificed animals. (With onions.)
Horary astrology: the astrology of the time the question was asked. (Venus hears you.  Venus don't care.)
Hydromancy: by water.  (Talk about getting soaked.)
I Ching divination: by yarrow stalks or coins and the I Ching. (This one's kind of neat, actually.)
Kau cim: by means of numbered bamboo sticks shaken from a tube. (Oh, dominoes!)
Lithomancy: by stones or gems. (Hint: diamonds are a gal's best friend.  And forever, too.)
Necromancy: by the dead, or by spirits or souls of the dead. (Yep.  He's dead alright.)
Numerology: by numbers. (I thought Jim Carrey was great in The Number 23!)
Oneiromancy: by dreams. (Which result in wet dreams when combined with hydromancy.)
Onomancy: by names. (If you name your kid "Bubba"...)
Palmistry: by lines and mounds on the hand. (Again, see the picture above.)
Paper fortune teller: origami used in fortune-telling games.  (It's like elementary school all over again.)
Pendulum reading: by the movements of a suspended object. (Raffi Torres, for example.)
Pyromancy: by gazing into fire. (I predict arson charges.)
Rhabdomancy: divination by rods. (Rod Stewart need not apply.)
Runecasting or Runic divination: by runes. (Yeah, I don't think that'll work.)
Scrying: by looking at or into reflective objects. (Hint: You're still ugly.)
Spirit board: by planchette or talking board. (Oh Ouiji Boards.  When will you learn?)
Taromancy: by a form of cartomancy using tarot cards. (I never understood this one.)
Tasseography or tasseomancy: by tea leaves or coffee grounds. (At least you get a drink out of the deal!)


Master

I can smell the azaleas now.

Now, as you read this, be sure to listen to this mandatory accompanying music.  The Masters is a weird, weird thing in professional sport.  First off, I want to say that it is Mecca for golfers and quite possibly the most pure golf tournament every year.  It's been held at the Augusta National Golf Club, Established 1933, in Augusta, Georgia since 1934.  The greatest golfers (amateur, professional, and senior) from around the world are invited here during the first full week of April every year.  The azaleas are just in bloom (usually) and the event marks the start of spring for many sports fans.  One of its idiosyncrasies is that it hands out the green jacket every year to the winner, which is placed on the current winner's shoulders by the previous year's winner.  But now I'm out of nice things to say about it.  Up until 1982, (1982, mind you) co-founder Clifford Roberts credo was in place: "As long as I'm alive, golfers will be white, and caddies will be black."  Now, this is 1982.  Jackie Robinson signed with the Montréal Royals in 1945.  If that's not bad enough, the club refused to admit black players all the way up until 1990.  And if that's not bad enough, to this day they refuse to admit female members.  It mystifies me how there isn't a boycott/backlash over this nonsense.  Great golf, terrible club.

 
Spoiling

You'll have to imagine the flames and screaming.

Every once in a while one is reminded just how gruesome human history is.  For example, the Battle of Spoiling Dyke.  It took place at Trumpan Church in Scotland in 1578.  It was a battle between the feuding MacDonald and MacLeod clans.  The MacDonalds march up to this church and in the middle of a service bar the doors so no one can get out and then proceed to set the place ablaze.  No one escaped alive except one girl who sounded the alarm just before she perished.  Once the MacLeods heard of this atrocity, they embarked to do battle with those scoundrels and sure enough the MacDonalds were there didn't know what hit them.  The MacDonalds present at the battle were wiped out by the MacLeods, their bodies were dragged into a turf dyke, and that was that.  The sad thing was that the MacDonalds set fire to the church to make up for a similar attrocity that was afforded to them by the MacLeods.  War never changes, I guess.


Drag

Hi ho silver!  Away!

The National Hot Rod Association was founded in the Great State of California by Wally Parks in 1951 to organize and oversee drag racing across North America.  Wally was an accomplished automobile writer and hobbyist.  He was also the co-founder and first editor of Hot Rod magazine, and he played an instrumental part in founding Motor Trend magazine, as well.  While Hot Rod magazine is still in publication to this day, Motor Trend has flourished over the years, spawning Motor Trend Classic and Truck Trend magazines, as well.  Motor Trend magazine also gives out annual awards (Motor Trend Car of the Year, etc.) which have been and continue to be highly coveted across the industry.  But back to drag racing.  Every year the NHRA gets together for "The Nationals", a series of twenty-two events to determine the best car-and-driver in the drag racing world.  In honour of the founder, the grand prize trophy handed handed out to each years winner is known as a "Wally".


Bus

The wheels on the bus go... fifteen feet in the air.

Until now I thought that the word "bus" was a variant of "buss".  That would make sense, because they're both vehicles of sorts.  A buss went on water and a bus goes on land.  Both carry live cargo, too.  A buss hauled fish and a bus hauls people.  So, it seems natural that that's where the word "bus" comes from.  Right?  Wrong.  Bus is short for "omnibus", which is Latin for "for all".  They were essentially a French invention.  Horse drawn omnibuses, or large carriages, drove people around Nantes as early as 1823.  Starting in 1905 the horse-drawn carriages started to get replaced by motorized carriages as the internal combustion engine started to catch on for the masses.  Now, the first school bus was actually a British invention.  It was another horse drawn carriage which made its debut in 1827 thanks to George Schillibeer for the Newington Academy for Girls in Stoke Newington NE of London.  It was designed to carry 25 girls.  I doubt that you could get a massive wheelie out of it, though.  That came much later.  And dumber.


Pudding

If you stare at this for a long time, like longer than 30 sec., you start to... never want pudding again.

So there's this Japanese product called "Giga Pudding".  It's a pudding product that's sorta this do-it-yourself thing where you put the milk and powder in this container, shake it, toss it in the fridge for a while and out comes the above pictured undulating monstrosity which is supposedly edible.  Anyway, so the heroes at 4chan got a hold of this product and this video and wouldn't you know it, chaos ensued.  It's funny how the internet can turn innocuous things into general debauchery.  Oh, and one last thing.  No pudding conversation is complete without Bill Cosby.


Snow

Ahh...  A good metaphor is hard to find.

Oh gawd!  It's June!  I don't wanna write about that!  So, in lieu of writing about snow, watch this video.  It does... sorta involve snow.  Sorta.  Frost, too.


Chasing

If I only had a nickel for every time I found myself in this exact same situation...

The coyote has been chasing the roadrunner since 1948!  1948!  Think about that for a minute.  That's, like...  ...  ...one, two, three, four...  uh... a long time!  The Cold War may have started, raged, wore out, and gave up the ghost in the meantime, but Wile E. Coyote continues the hunt, chasing the road runner from Winnipeg to Phoenix to Quebec City...  Oh, those are different Coyotes.  My mistake.  In my defense, it's an easy mistake to make.  Both Coyote are chasing a futile dream, both need serious assistance to even come close, both have been hurting for a viewing audience lately and would kill for the kind of draw My Little Pony is getting, et cetera.  Now if Wile E. Coyote had Raffi Torres help, that bird might get tenderized pretty good when he's not looking.  He's got some free time right now, too.  Just saying.

RELAX!!!

I was stressed this week!  Like, stressed!  ...  Er, the Editorial Board here at Raccoon Inc. was stressed!  There were two massively important jobs to do at work this week and both (BOTH!) went to pot.  Obscenities were scattered, office supplies were launched, desks were fist-pounded, and a slow walk through the rain was had to cool off.  So, I rattled through the end of the day and got home and figured that this week I'm going to write a little bit about the fine art of relaxation.  And then tonight I get here and my coworkers are stressed, too!  So calm down everyone, chill, and hang out with me a while as we go on a tranquil trip this evening.


BOB & RAY

Yep.  They're up to no good.

Well, laughter is the best medicine, of course - and for stress, too!  How about this?  Have you heard this one this before?  Bob Elliot (the comedian, not the sports writer, of course) and Ray Goulding, were a brilliant old American comedy duo (similar to Wayne and Schuster here in Canada... only... you know... funny).  I say "were" because Ray passed away twenty-two years ago, though Bob's still going strong.  Nevertheless, they worked together magnificently, and in their sketch "The Slow Talkers Of America", they put on a clinic in comic timing.  If you don't at least snicker at this one, you need some serious de-stressing.  Or maybe just a different form of medication.  Let's see here...


WASH YOUR FACE IN MY SINK

Well, I'm still talking about them, so... yeah the legacy continues.

Let's try something a little different.  Maybe you just need something a little goofy and weird.  Remember the 90's?  Yeah, the 90's?  I acknowledge, some of you might be a little young for that, but for those who aren't, think back.  Do you remember the Dream Warriors?  If you do, awesome, cause I sure don't.  They are Canadian though, and were nominated for four (count em, four!) Junos, winning one in 1992 for Best Rap Recording of the Year.  Not too shabby!  Take that, Organized Rhyme!  Their first ever nomination came in the same category for this here song, "Wash Your Face In My Sink".  I... think it's a metaphor, but the video shows it quite literally, so....  I guess it's a metaphor that... works literally too?  I dunno.  Anyway, it's catchy, the video's quirky as hell (dude has a jacket that says "Sucker MC" written on the back!  That's AWESOME!)  and reminds me vaguely of Deee-Lite's "Groove Is In The Heart" for some reason if she, you know, was arrested and thrown in jail for a noise violation for wearing those outfits.


IDIOLOGY

It's cool cause you could open up the case and look through it like a knob!

How about something even more left-field?  You like IDM, right?  I know!  Who doesn't?  Intelligent Dance Music, for the uninitiated.  It's a sort of a junk drawer genre of music.  Ambient, electronica, techno, experimental...  It kinda makes me think of folk music.  Folk music can be bluegrass, rock, country, gospel - but whenever you hear folk music, you can tell right away by listening that that's what it is.  I'd say the same is true for IDM.  It's one of those genres, like folk, where you'll know it when you hear it.  So here's a neat little album.  Idiology by the german group Mouse on Mars was released in the spring of 2001.  Pitchfork.com, who I respect, gave the album a 9.6/10, and the album was placed in the top 20 for 2001 up in the same lofty echelon as Radiohead, The White Stripes, and other, you know, good bands.  Have a whirl listening to the track "Subsequence".  In fact, check out the whole album.  It's one of those albums that makes it hard for you to remain stressed as it marches on.  And yes, Virginia, the laptop is a musical instrument!


THE RAINDROP PRELUDE

Sweet summer rain.  Like God's own mercy.

Maybe mellow is a better idea.  A funny thing happened to me on the way to the bank recently.  It's been raining here on and off all week, and now all weekend as the weatherman advises me.  Most days this week, the rain would come suddenly down in heavy sheets, then just as suddenly stop, so it was noteworthy that as I walked from the car to the bank we were experiencing light rain for a change.  It was noon hour, but nonetheless still dark and gloomy, but the sprinkling rain was a rather nice change and it made me think of something.  This piece of music here, Chopin's Raindrops Prelude.  Formally known as Prelude, Op. 28, No. 15, it is the longest of Chopin's preludes and was composed during a medical stay in Majorca.  One days it was pouring rain and the sound of the raindrops on the roof gave him the inspiration for the composition.  Sometimes soft and light, sometimes dark and gloomy, the song is a calm, dark, rainy day in the mind, though it may be clear as a bell outside.


THE BIG SNIT

What time is it?  Well, it's time for...  SAWING FOR TEENS!!!

Well, if you're steamed, one surefire way of cooling off is to watch someone even angrier than you are.  Not just angry, either, but absurdly angry.  That's exactly what you get when you watch the CNIB classic "The Big Snit".  If you've never seen it before, go ahead and watch it.  If you have seen it before, watch it again.  If you're stressed, take a look.  Not only is it hilarious, but it's also touching.  It should speak to all of us that our day-to-day problems are really not all that great and that all we really need is a dose of perspective.  All of a sudden things really aren't all that bad anymore.  It's true!


NORWEGIAN WOOD

Ah, the trademark scowl.  Legendary.

And sometimes what you need when you're super-stressed is a jolt to the system to reset yourself, letting all that stress just drain out of you.  Now here's a great example.  Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown) was yet another McCartney/Lennon production, but because of it's melody, musical structure, and chord progression, it lent itself well to jazz interpretations.  Everyone from Count Basie to Buddy Shank was taking Beatles songs and jazzifying them, but there's this one version of the song right here that I'd like to draw your attention to.  If there's one jazz musician that could take the little volume dial and crank it up to 11, it was the one and only Buddy Rich.  He took this mild-mannered, sitar-rific Beatles song off Rubber Soul and turned into this massive, screaming, yet textured wall of sound.  To give you an idea of just how massive this is, you can make out Buddy in the background of this intense waltz - and Buddy wasn't a 'background', 'team player' kinda guy, either.  This oughtta snap you out of it.



BLOODY WELL RIGHT

Man.  You can make stars into any kind of constellation you want, can't you?

And sometimes all you really need is a good smack upside the head.  If you're frustrated and stuck on something that won't let you go, mentally, take some advice from Supertramp.  Right.  You're right.  Sure you are.  Now shut the hell up.  Who cares?  Who cares?  That's the real question.  You know it reminds me of the Norm Peterson rule my Psychology 100 professor taught me.  Remember Norm Peterson from Cheers?  As portrayed by George Wendt?  Well, anyway, the only thing that he was concerned with in his world was the price of beer.  Are we going to war with Syria?  I dunno.  Does it affect the price of beer?  No?  Then I don't care.  It's kind of a cut-throat method of stress relief, but if you pick, say, three things in your life that you really, really care about, focus on them, and consider everything else in life accidental to those three things, you'll probably find your stress level drop way, way down. 


So, thank you Supertramp, and George.  Bob and Ray, as well.  Chopin.  Mouse on Mars.  Uh... Saw Guy...  The Dream Warriors.  Oh and last but not least, the, uh, downright cuddly Buddy Rich.  Thank you again for tuning in this week - and remember: relax.  Life's too short to get hung up on the little things.  Good night!

Bad Ideas

Let's try something fun tonight.  The Raccoon Inc. editorial board has hereby proclaimed that tonight shall be...

A TALE OF BAD IDEAS

And to judge these bad ideas is a celebrity panel of experts.  To my right the self-proclaimed star of the A & E hit television show "Storage Wars", Mr. Dave Hester.

Thank you, Aaron.  Pleasure to be here.

To my far right, from the hit cartoon My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, the character that arguably was the propelling force behind its magnetic internet fame, Derpy Hooves.  Ready for some scintillating conversation this evening?

Yeah!  Alright!  Am I on TV?  Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Cake!  I got the cookies you sent me!

That's great stuff there, Derpy.  Now, to my left is a man who surely needs no introduction, so please let's have a warm round of applause for Mr. Sammy Davis Jr.

How're you cats doing tonight? It's swell to be in front of a live audience tonight.  Real swell. 

Thank you, Sammy.  To my far left now is a gentleman whose been around since the Great Depression, and if you think your fortunes are won and lost on a gamble, Dave, you ain't seen nothing.  It is my esteemed pleasure to introduce the Mr. Milburn Pennybags, or as the viewing audience at home may know him as, The Monopoly Guy.

Oh ho ho ho...  You're too kind.  The pleasure is all mine, dear boy

And last, but far, far from least across the table it is my great honour to introduce a legend.  the one, the only, the incomparable Alfred Hitchcock.

Good evening...

Now, for our first bad idea, let me just dig around in the old bucket here and...  ah!  Yes!  The first bad idea is...


SQUARE'S TOM SAWYER

Yeah.  Hm.  O.k.  Well.  Here's what we're going to do.  I'm just going to throw out the game's cover art and a few screenshots before continuing.

Cover art.

Screenshot #1.

Screenshot #2.

Square's Tom Sawyer is strange.  I don't know what to make of this.  Was this Square-

E-excuse me for just a minute, fellas.

Oh, sure, Sammy.  By all means.  Was this just Square attempting to be historically accurate?  Super Minstrel Show Bros.?  Are they, like, complicit in this racism?  The game's from 1989.  I would imagine that by 1989, even the notoriously xenophobic Japanese would have known that this is just not right.

Hello, Gene?  Sammy here.  What in the hell did you just sign me up for?

In fact, it seems almost gleefully racist.  Hell, Archie Bunker had it figured out way before then.  I think that it is, ultimately, just one of those things that Square wishes that it had a do-over for.  Good idea, miserable execution.  Heaven help them if Square-Enix decides to make a "To Kill A Mockingbird" RPG.

Now, Dave, you're a businessman.  What kind of damage can this sort of imagery faux pas do to your business?

That's a good question, Aaron.  One thing you always gotta be aware of is your target audience.  Who are you selling to?

Good point!  I don't think that they were intending to market the game to, say, the Klan.

I wouldn't know anything about that, Aaron.  I deal mostly in furniture.

Well, right.  I suppose so.

And if you're looking for a good deal on some quality-priced furniture, come on down to Dave Hester Auctions.  We're at 3869 S Main St. in Santa Ana, California.

Oh, yeah, hey, Dave...  Did we not tell your guys that this is supposed to be a comedic celebrity talk show, like, say, Hollywood Squares or QI?

I don't really watch much TV.

Well, it's supposed to be sort of a comedic show, you know?

No.

Like, do you know any jokes at all?

No.

 No..?  None at all?  Nothing?

O.k.  Why'd the chicken cross the road?

Oh hey!  That's more like it!  O.k.  I'll bite.  Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to Dave Hester Auctions at at 3869 S Main St. in Santa Ana, California.  Or call us at (714) 434-0722.  The website is-

*cricket noises*

O.k.!  O.k.  We get it.  Geez, why don't you buy some time?

And speaking of buying time, when do I get my appearance fee?

Relax!  Relax...  You'll get the fee in the green room after the show.  Now, before we end your segment, can we hear one of those famous "Yuuup!"'s of yours?

As was discussed with your producer prior to this event, "Yuuup" is a trademarked phrase and any use of it during this "celebrity panel" would be outside the scope of the current agreement.  Therefore, no.

Well, it was worth a shot.

Sorry about that, fellas.  I'm back now.  Hope you didn't miss me much.

 Oh, hey Sammy.  Good to see you back.  Is everything alright?

Oh yeah.  We're cool, we're cool.  I just talked to my agent and he said either I do this gig or I kiss Carroll O'Connor again.

Yeesh!  Well, we're pretty much done here with Square, so now we're on to the next topic.


THE CHARGE OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE

Chaaaaaaaaarge!

One of the more famous blunders in military history, known as the charge of the Light Brigade after the poem by Tennyson, happened on October 25, 1854 during the Battle of Balaclava.  The main-

Coooooool!  That was a long time ago!  I didn't even know they had credit cards back then!

Uhh...  No, it wasn't a credit card charge, it was a cavalry charge.  It was during a battle.  The Battle of Balaclava.

*respectful silence*

Uhh...  No...  That's not quite right, either.  The Americans weren't involved in this conflict.  The Russians were invading a weakened Ottoman Empire.  The Ottoman Empire was deeply indebted to several major European powers, in much the way that Greece is in modern day Europe, and Great Britain and France were two of the major lenders, so they intervened on the Ottoman Empire's behalf to protect their investment from the invading Russians.  Make sense?

Ooo hoo hoo hoo...  Those filthy Russians!  Communism!  Pfeh!  I'm just an honest man trying to make an honest buck!

And that's why your game needs not one, but two get-out-of-jail-free cards?

 My good man, you know as well as I do that any house you put on Baltic Ave. will have a meth lab in the basement before you pass Go.

Fair enough.  Anyway, the battle was primarily between the British, the Ottoman, and the Russians and took place along a long, flat, straight valley.  The Ottoman had artillery guns overlooking the battlefield on top the valley walls, but the Russians were capturing them for themselves.  At one end of the valley was the British camp and main body of their light cavalry.  At the other end was the Russian troops and a large artillery battery.  The British were observing the Ottoman guns being captured by the Russians and the British Commander, Lord Raglan, issued a command to the Cavalry Commander, Lord Lucan, to take the artillery guns back, but did so in quite vague terms.  The message was delivered to the front by Light Cavalry Captain Nolan.  When the message-

What's a "cavalry"?

Well, you're cavalry.

*shocked silence*

Uh...  Well, all that "cavalry" means is a unit of horses, or ponies, put to a military purpose.  They ponies that go out and fight bad guys.

*respectful silence*

Er...  Close enough, I guess.  Anyway, so Captain Nolan delivers the message to Lord Lucan and when Lucan reads it, he asks Nolan which guns they wanted taken.  Captain Nolan, with a broad gesture of his arm said, "Those ones!"  This wasn't very helpful, so from Lucan's vantage point, it appeared he wanted the guns at the end of the valley taken rather than the ones overlooking the valley, which was the real and far less suicidal objective.  Lucan essentially said, "Meh.  Whatever." and issued the command to the Light Cavalry Commander Lord Cardigan to begin the charge to take the guns at the end of the valley.

Now, why the "Meh.  Whatever."?  Well, Lucan and Cardigan hated each others guts.  Passionately.  And neither of them had commanded a battle before the Crimean War, as Britain was fairly peaceful on land for a generation prior to this war, so a lot of these guys were your typical toy soldiers.  In fact, Lord Cardigan had breakfast in his yacht prior to the engagement.  So, if Lucan was dooming Cardigan to failure, whatever.  And if Cardigan, upon receiving the orders, was about to charge headlong into disaster, whatever.  It wasn't his idea.
So Cardigan sets off down the valley and once the Russians see this, they lick their lips and start firing the artillery both from the end of the valley and the top down at the cavalry.  When Captain Nolan sees them going the wrong direction, I'm pretty sure that he laid en egg before flying across the battlefield to say "Hey, stupid!  You're going the wrong way!"  Only, he never got to say "Hey stupid! You're going the wrong way!" because he charged headfirst into an artillery shell and was killed instantly before he could correct the mistake.

Yes, the ending was rather poorly telegraphed.

Indeed.  So on that day the 4th and 13th Light Dragoons, the 17th Lancers, and the 8th and 11th Hussars charged bravely into the artillery fire.  670 ponies went in, only half came back.

Noooooooooooo!

Unfortunately, yes.  Normally, poems, movies, and so on are made for great victories, not defeats, but this was a rather special exception due to the nature and scope of the failure.  The fortunate part of it all is that these benchwarmers were fighting a rather trivial romp oversees and there wasn't much else going on.  Had this have been fifty years ago against Napoléon, we would be speaking this evenings instead of la Charge de la Brigade Légère.

You know, some things are... too horrific to be recorded on film.

I couldn't have said it better myself.  And sorry again, Derpy.  Now, the good news is that they've pretty much stopped using ponies in battle about a century ago and nowadays they're all living a pretty much happy, carefree existence, so all's well that ends well!

Alright!  I gotta go write a little to Princess Celestia about this right away!  Woo hoo!

Yeah, you go do that.  Now, I don't wanna beat a dead horse here...

Yeah, you better not quit your day job, either.

Mm.  Shut down by Sammy Davis Jr. from beyond the grave.  Anyway, yeah...  On to the next subject.


LEIBNIZ'S WATER PUMP

And I thought I needed a haircut!

Alright.  Now, we're all intimately acquainted with Leibniz so I don't need to go into any details about who he is, right?

Oh yeah yeah!  That's the little green dresser with the vanity mirror at Jysk, right?

...  Uh, no.  He was in fact Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz...

Oh, it's on now!  We got the whole bedroom involved!

Uh, the German polymath, actually, not the dresser.  He invented, oh let's see, calculus, mechanical calculators, Monads...

Psst!  Hey, Dave!

Yeah, what is it, pony... thing...?

What's a "polymath"?

That's when a guy has a whole bunch of wives.

Dear Princess Celestia, I'm learning so much today..!

...but the invention that we're most concerned with here is his water pump.  At the time he was employed nominally as the court librarian for the Duke of Hanover.  I say nominally because he had more or less free reign from the Duke to pursue whatever he wanted to, and similarly a quite sizable budget to do so, as well, within reason.

Yeah, I can relate.  It's not easy being fabulously wealthy.

Ha!  With your two bit operation?  Ha!  Call me back when you own half of Atlantic City.

Yeah, that's pretty easy when the Boardwalk costs $400.00.  $400.00 of fake money, too.  I'm no evaluation expert, but...

Hey, look, fellas.  If anyone of us owns Atlantic City, it's this guy here.

At any rate, once in a while the Duke would intervene in Leibniz's work to look into some practical matters in an attempt to use his genius for the good of the Duchy, rather than just his own personal fame.  One such matter arose when one of the engineers at the mines in the Harz mountains came by and said that though the mines were quite profitable, they were also flooding with water and they came to seek help in solving the problem so that they were serviceable.   Now at the time, Leibniz had been working on hydraulic presses, windmills, lamps, submarines, clocks, and many other mechanical designs, so when the problem reached the Duke, he knew just the man to help.  Between 1680 and 1685, Leibniz worked with the mine's engineers to solve the problem, and after much planning and a sizable amount of expense in construction, Leibniz had devised a windmill powered water pump that could be used to drained the well.  The engineers of the mines thought the idea fanciful and over elaborate, but went along with it because, gosh darn it, he was a genius after all.
And so the time came to put them into use, and... nothing.  It's not that the machine didn't work.  It wasn't broken at all.  Leibniz, for all of his genius and work with windmills and pumps had neglected to consider that the Harz mountains were not that high up and were quite sheltered, and therefore... there was no wind,

I suspect that some ideas are rather doomed from the start.

That's wild, man.  That's crazy.

Yeah, the engineers thought so, too.  They had their I-told-you-so's in spades after that, by cracky.  In the end, as was his somewhat capricious nature, Leibniz never did fully resolve the problem, but set the half-baked invention aside for the next thing that captivated his imagination that moment.  That's just kinda the guy he was.  A million things going on at once all the time.

Yeah...  I feel for him, man.  I really do.

Yeah?

Yeah...

Hm.  How come?

Well...  It just ain't easy being that talented.

Hmm...

You're gonna end up breaking some hearts.

Right.

Because, you know, you're just that good.  You can't help it.

Uh huh.

It's inevitable.  A curse.

O.k., Sammy.  Are you done now?

Yeah...  Just had to get that off my chest.  Feels better now.

I'm glad.  I'm happy for you.  That's awesome.  Moving on.


THE TREATY OF TORDESILLAS

Hey, Pennybags.

Myeeeeees?

You're a wealthy land baron.  You should enjoy this one.

Ready when you are, my good man, ready when you are.

Smashing, old bean!

I concur, old boy!

Undoubtedly, old trench!

Without question, gentle sir!

Indubitably, noble sire!

I like Tordesillas and salsa!

Uhh...  Well, it's not a food, it's a place.  Tordesillas is a city in Spain and it was there on June 7, 1494, just two years after Columbus had crossed the Atlantic, that they signed a treaty that was to be one of the most influential land deals in history, not to mention one of the biggest swindles ever, too.

Swindle, eh?  You got my attention.

Yeah!  See, Columbus had just recently come back from the New World and reported back to everyone that, yes, there was a New World out there ripe for the taking.  Upon hearing this, and with only the sparsest of information to go on, the battle was on between the two great naval powers of the day, Spain and Portugal.  To settle the dispute, the kings and queens of the two countries met at the General Archive of the Indies in Tordesillas to hammer out an agreement.  Authored by Pope Alexandre VI (and it is worth nothing that he was a Spaniard), they set up the boundaries that there be a line drawn along a meridian 370 leagues west of the Cape Verde Islands.  On a map, it looks a little something like this:

Kinda... looks... like... an ass... kinda...

Well, as you can well imagine by taking a look at this, the Portuguese got ripped off by the deal.  Because there was so little actually explored of the New World yet, both sides thought this was fair.  Essentially, this is like saying "Portugal, you get everything up to Oriental Ave., and Spain gets everything after that."

Good heavens!

Good heavens is right, especially if it was no less than the Pope that wrote the deal.  At any rate, this deal cemented Spain's superiority over Portugal once and for all, as well making Spain one of the richest nations during the Renaissance.

I do rather enjoy a good unwitting victim from time to time.

Mmhmm.  And this is why Brazil speaks Portuguese and it's Spanish just about everywhere else in South America.  In fact, the impact of this deal was absolutely monumental and is still felt today.  Like, say, it's Puerto Rico and not Porto Rico.

Astonishing!

Yeah right.  Anyway, now to our last and final topic of the evening.


FORD PINTO

Awwwww yeeeeaaaah...

You want suspense?

Certainly.

Imagine this: you're driving down the road, minding your own business.  You're stopped at a red light, looking around and enjoying your afternoon.

So far, so good.

When BLAM!  You get rear ended, your gas tank combusts and explodes, and you, sir, are a pot roast cooking in the front seat.

How dreadful...

Our thoughts exactly.  The Ford Pinto had precisely this problem.  It gets rear-ended and it catches fire and blows.  This is actually fairly well-known, however, but what's a little less known is the cost-benefit analysis.  If you take a look, you'll see that Ford knew about this problem, but proceeded nonetheless.  The analysis came to the conclusion that the continued vehicle sales would be more profitable than the losses incurred from vehicular damage, injury, and death.  And this was all laid out right before the public's eyes.

Hey!  That's not nice!

No, it isn't.  Not really.  When Ford was faced with the option of installing a plastic shield between the gas tank and the differential to prevent the problem from occurring, it balked at it citing costs.  There was an accident in 1972 that left one child dead and another severely burned which prompted a court case that awarded damages to the victims in the millions (millions in the 70's, mind you).  It was a landmark bit of consumer affairs and served to shed some light on his these mega-corporations felt about cost-benefit, and that "cost" is not just the plastic shield, but human cost.  Thankfully these days things are better in that regard, but whenever a dollar sign is placed on a human life, there's the potential of compromise.

That's all too true, all too true.  You know, I was in a bad wreck in 1954.

Oh yeah, that's right.

Yeah, lost my eye, and never got it back.  How can you put a price on that?

Everything has a price, though.  Come on.  Everything is worth what the purchaser will pay for it.

Quite right, quite right!

The question, though, is dead simple.  Which is greater: humanity's price on the vehicle, or the vehicle's price on humanity?

Exactly.  ...  But man is this morbid!

Psst!  Hey!  Dave!

Yeah, pony thing?

What does "morbid" mean?

It's what I do at grungy old storage lockers every day, all day.

And on that note, that's all the time that we have this week, so I'd like to send out a big thank you both to my panel and to you very much for tuning in to this extended episode and have a good evening.