Saturday, 15 December 2012

The Cities That Victory Forgot

Here at Raccoon Inc., there is one professional sports team that we really do feel truly sorry for.
In changing with their new winning ways, this "A" logo now stands for "Argonauts" and not the more traditional "Awful".
Now you may say to yourself, "Hey!  How come is it that you feel so bad about them?  They just won the Grey Cup, didn't they?  Why cry on their shoulder?"  The answer is simple: they get the short end of the stick.  I mean, they really get the short end of the stick.  In such a huge city as Toronto, they can win a championship and seemingly not even get noticed.  How do I know they're not getting noticed?  The moment they win the Grey Cup, I still hear their fans saying...
All Toronto wants is a winner!  Why can't Toronto just have a winning team for once?
What?  The Argos just won the Grey Cup!  How much more winning can you get?  How could it possibly be all that bad?  So then I wondered: is Toronto all that bad off, or as bad off as they're whining about?  I came up with this experiment.

What you see below you is the winning percentage for every North American city that has two or more professional sports in descending order.  Say you're a sports fan.  Say you want to watch a game at your local professional sports franchise.  Say you go and buy a ticket to that game.  What you see here is the percentage likelihood that a team each of these major sports cities (Sorry Regina and Green Bay...) will win that game.  This information takes into account every single game played by every team in the NBA, MLB, NFL, CFL, NHL, and MLS in the last ten years.  To be fair, this also includes the non-games caused by lockouts.
"Fair enough," says Gary.

 And here's the list.  Please bear in mind that this took a while to compile, too!

Indianapolis  60.4%
Boston  58.3%
Dallas  55.9%
San Jose  54.7%
San Diego  54.2%
Nashville  53.7%
Calgary  53.5%
Montreal  53.0%
Philadelphia  52.9%
Pittsburgh  52.5%
New Orleans  52.4%
Baltimore  51.7%
Denver  51.4%
Seattle  51.1%
New Jersey  51.0%
Los Angeles  50.8%
Houston  50.7%
Chicago  50.5%
Detroit  49.3%
New York  49.3%
Salt Lake City  48.9%
Vancouver  48.9%
Phoenix  48.5%
Tampa  48.1%
Atlanta  47.8%
San Fransisco  47.7%
Minneapolis  47.5%
Miami  47.4%
Columbus  46.9%
Cincinnati  46.7%
Milwaukee  46.7%
Edmonton  46.4%
Buffalo  46.3%
Portland  46.3%
Toronto  45.8%
St. Louis  45.8%
Kansas City  45.7%
Washington  45.0%
Ottawa  44.9%
Cleveland  44.4%
Winnipeg  44.0%
Charlotte  43.9%
Oakland  43.4%

So with all this said and done, does Toronto still suck?  Mmyeah, but it could be worse: they could be Oakland.
"Fair enough," says Rollie.
My advice for Toronto fans who feel hard done by and want winning teams to be able to cheer for is simple and effective.
Embrace the dark side of the force.
Thank you and good night.

Friday, 14 December 2012

Random Word Wednesday

Good evening!  I really wanted to write something tonight, but, darn it, I can't think of anything good, so I thought I'd try a random word night again to get the old creative juices flowing.  So kick back, relax, and be amazed!  By stuff!  Enjoy!


BET


In 1960, a write by the name of Theodore Geisel and his publisher Bennett Cerf, one of the co-founders of Random House, got to talking.  The result of their conversation was a wager that Cerf had made to Geisel.  Geisel had just written a book using only 225 words, but Cerf made the wager that Geisel wouldn't be able to write a successful book using only 50 distinct words or less.  Geisel took on the bet and after some difficulty the story was completed and within the fifty words.  The 225 word book that Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, had written was The Cat in the Hat.  The 50 word book was Green Eggs and Ham.  They were indeed successful books.  Cerf never did make good on the bet.


COMPOSITION

Dmitri Shostakovich has one of the coolest nicknames of any classical composer.  It's also one that can be taken both literally and figuratively.  The Fireman of St. Petersburg!  Neat, huh?  The young composer had already accomplished much in his short career had become the darling of the Soviet machine, fallen out of favour, and then became the darling again.  All before the age of 32!  He was hard at work during the build up to war, but when it finally broke out, he attempted to enlist in the military, but due to his poor eyesight (see above picture for details) he was denied.  Instead he enlisted as a volunteer firefighter.  As war pushed into Russia it all became an inspiration to him and he completed his finest, and longest work, his Symphony #7.  It's a great, powerful symphony that, officially, represents the struggle of the people of St. Petersburg's desperate defense against the invading German forces.  At a time when his people were seeing their darkest days, Shostakovich was there writing the music that put out the fires of terror to give them hope that their enemy was not invincible and could be beaten.  But then he was denounced again in 1948.  There really was no pleasing the Soviet Union.


WIRE

This was before I was thought of, but there was a time, and not too terribly long ago, when even the newest, latest and greatest inventions were encased in giant teak boxes.  Two pounds of consumer electronics for ever forty pounds of miniature, yet stylish, coffin.  For example, the wire recorder.  Originally invented in 1890 by Danish engineer Valdemar Poulsen, the wire recorder was widely used as an audio recording device from the 1920's until 1954 when the magnetic cassette tape, an improvement on the wire recorder's basic design, became commercially viable for the masses.  The wire recorder consisted of an audio receiver (either for dictation or recording phone conversations) that picked up sound waves which were transmitted to a magnetic head.  A wire was drawn across the head and the sound waves were recorded on the wire via magnetic transcendence and it was reeled up again in a spool that resembled fishing line.  Ingenious!  The giant wooden box, however, was purely ornamental.


MONTH

What are each of the months named after?  Good question!

January - The Roman God Janus, good of doorways, since every January you open the door of a new year.
February - The Roman purification festival Februa.  It essentially amounts to spring cleaning.
March - Originally the first month of the year, it was named after Mars to signify the new military campaign season.  Romans loved their wars.
April - Meh.  No one really knows for sure, but a good guess is that it comes from aperire, which means "to open", as in bud on flowers and trees.
May - The Greek goddess Maia.  Her purview was fertility, hubba hubba!
June - There are a couple probable sources, but most likely Juno, Roman goddess of marriage, which makes sense following Maia.
July - Julius Caesar!
August - Augustus Caesar!
September - Septemus Caesar!  ...  Actually, no.  It just means "Seven".
October - Eight.
November - Nine.
December - Ten.  It really gets boring after August, unfortunately.  A new renaming is fine by me!


AFTERNOON

Fredo and Michael Corleone (pictured above) work together to continue their father Vito's criminal empire as...  Er...  No wait.  Hold on.  Let me start over.

Sonny and his friend Sal (pictured above) work together to knock over the First Brooklyn Bank in the 1975 suspenseful crime drama Dog Day Afternoon.  The purpose of the heist is to pay for a sex change (male to female) operation Sonny's partner Leon, rather than, you know, any sort of financial security for his actual legal wife Angie.  So given the plot, this is a very interesting film for 1975.  Sonny has no shortage of charisma and when the heist starts to go south and turns into a hostage standoff, he soon has the mob outside the bank on his side as he plays them to his advantage.  The thing that I love most about it that while I can understand and appreciate Sonny's character, he does just the right amount of bad things to make himself unsympathetic.  It's like eating a dish that has five things in it that you like and one thing that you don't and there's always just enough of that thing you don't in it to turn you off of it.  Brilliant movie.


LEGEND

The legend of Prester John is a very interesting one.  From the 12th through 17th centuries there was a legend in Europe of a great, wise, generous, yet fabulously wealthy Christian king named Prester John that ruled over a land that was somewhere deep inside pagan or Muslim lands far, far away.  It was also said that he was a direct descendant of one of the Three Magi, or the wise men that came to visit Jesus at his birth, so there were many great reasons why European leaders wanted to seek out and find him.  So confident were they that they started putting his kingdom on maps, though they only had a vague idea of where he was.  He was always just somewhere over there.  Somewhere deep behind enemy lines where reliable information is impossible to get for a Christian.  At first his kingdom was in Persia where they had infrequent contact with the Nestorian church.  Or maybe eastern Anatolia in Turk lands beyond the grasp of the Byzantines.  Or maybe, as the Mongols invaded westward, he was somewhere in the swirling, mysterious, seemingly endless expanse of Central Asia.  Or maybe, as the Portuguese began to make the world smaller, buried somewhere in the ancient darkness of Ethiopia.  In the end the legend of Prestor John was indeed just that: a legend and nothing more.


ANGUISH

"Anguish" is, as a matter of fact, a philosophical term.  Pretend for a moment that you take a day off work and you have nothing planned at all.  You can do anything you want.  You can go out, or you can stay in.  It's up to you.  So you decide to have a shower, get dressed and go for a walk.  You head out to a forest and explore for a while, enjoying your freedom.  As you go exploring you find a cliff nearby and you walk up to the edge.  You take a peek over and see some water far below realizing that should you take a step off the cliff the fall would surely be fatal, so you step back to a safe distance.  Now think about this moment a minute.  There's nobody around anywhere, you're not at work, no cell phone, no nothing.  Right now you can do anything you want to do.  You could play in the grass, start a fire, jump through the trees, continue exploring along - even leap to your death.  However, while there are so many things that you can do, you only have the one day off from work to do them.  That sort of constricting feeling that is the conflict between all this freedom that you have in your life and the pressures and constraints that you put upon yourself or are pressed upon you by the universe that you necessarily exist in is the definition of philosophical anguish.


SIXTEEN

Man, if only they had cameras back then.  If only.  Let's see how many bad jokes I can make at the expense of Louis XVI.
- Louis!  This whole revolution thing will calm down over time.  No reason to lose your head over it.
- This show of support was rather uplifting for Louis.  Well, his head was uplifted at any rate.
- The uprising had Louis beside himself.  Literally!
- When Louis asked for a little off the top his barber strangely seemed a little too eager to please.
- The head of state surveyed the ecstatic mob - the body of state, not so much.
- It was a real weight off of Louis' shoulders now that the rebels' demands had been satisfied.
- Boy, if Louis thought that the revolution was a pain in the neck before...
- Louis was up to his neck in problems with the rebels, which is natural since that was the end of the line.
 - When Louis demanded a guillotine demonstration to be done for the rebels this wasn't what he meant.
I think that's just about enough of that.


MILEAGE

Meet author and retired British submarine captain Gavin Menzies.  He is a major proponent (originator?) of the theory that in 1421 AD Chinese admiral Zheng He and his fleet set sail from China to explore not just the coastline of the Indian subcontinent, but the entire world.  Supposedly backed by Ming Dynasty Emperor Zhu Di with massive treasure ships their real mission was to head out and collect tribute from everyone, and if a fleet came along that massive and that advanced as Menzies is stating, then you betcha they were going to give tribute out of fear.  Furthermore, it is Menzies's contention that not only did Zheng He's fleet sail to India, but around the south coast of Africa, the east coast of North America, and up the entire west coast of both of the Americas.  Oh, he has more theories (Zheng He's fleet touching off the Renaissance and Atlantis being a product of the Minoans who themselves circumnavigated the world), but serious scholars politely call fiction.


ALTOGETHER

Armand Jean du Plessis, cardinal-duc de Richelieu et de Fronsac's name has taken up over half the first line of this last entry.  To match his big name this frenchman also achieved big things.  He entered the church and by the age of 23, presto!, he was made a bishop.  By the age of 31, shazam!, he was the Secretary of State for France.  By the age of 37, a la peanut butter sandwiches!, he was a cardinal.  So as you can see not only was he a politician, but he was a fine politician.  In fact, so great was he that he is considered to he the world's first First Minister, or Prime Minister as we understand it today, which is a pretty significant achievement in itself.  Among many, many other accomplishments, he was a great patron of the arts and also a huge advocate of keeping Quebec French!  Imagine that!  Oh, and to be perfectly honest, because Cardinal Richelieu was certainly a real live flesh and blood person, it wasn't until I wrote this last piece here that I had discovered that the Three Musketeers of "All for One and One for All" fame were actually a work of fiction.  Good night!

Saturday, 1 December 2012

Words in past tense that start with "B"!

Good evening!  Tonight we pay tribute to words in the past tense that start with "b"!  Ready?  I know I am!  Enjoy!


BOUNCED!

Before I begin, here's the soundtrack to this article.  Remember: it was just a matter of time.

I've written a fair share about...
Look at that face.  Would that face lie to you?
...his worship Rob Ford.  Not all of it has been flattering.
Classic!  It sums everything up in one pic.
Now, I'm not a Toronto resident.  Not even close!  The closest I've ever been is in Guelph and even then at the time...
Mayor Mel!  Yaaaaaaaaaaay!
...was in charge.  There's just something about Ford, though, that captures my imagination.  I was watching Twitter like a hawk furiously hammering the mouse to see the new tweets on #robford to find the decision of the court ruling Monday.  

And then it happened.  And I was shocked.  But I should haven't have been because as the ruling came out and you went through all of the moving parts involved, a reasonable thinking person would come away with the conclusion that the judge took a look at every out the mayor had from getting bounced and reasoned it out.  Was the amount in question negligible?  The mayor himself said no on the stand.  Was the conflict of interest inadvertentNot really since he spoke to it in front of council, voted on it in council, and admitted straight up and down that he's never even read the conflict of interest guidelines.  There was just no way that a reasonable thinking person could look at the laws involved, look at the context, look at the mayor's actions and come away with the conclusion that he did it by any form of accident.

There is no part of kicking...
...Coach Ford...
...out of office that bothers me because the law as written says that if you get caught in a conflict of interest then off with your head.  Is the punishment too severe?  Maybe.  Is it a sledgehammer to swat a fruit fly?  Maybe.  Is the law, as has been said many times this week, a bad one?  Maybe.  Here's the thing that bothers me about this.

There's so much talk from the pundits that it's just not fair that X many hundred thousand citizens of Toronto voted for him, and one unelected judge tossed him out.  It's undemocratic that one activist judge...
Activism?  Not on my watch!
can undo the will of an entire city.  It's unCanadian.  It's...
...Tadjikistanian.
Well, the editorial board here at Raccoon Inc. is here to say that this argument is preposterous to the point of insult.  The inference here is that this one judge holds the weight of the entire city in their hands like some sort of medieval autocratic Doge that do whatever it is they want with it.  They don't like Ford?  He's gone.  They like Ford?  He stays.  This is not the case at all in the least.

Let's be clear: judges don't write laws.  Some people may not understand this, so I'll say it again.  Judges don't write laws.  Legislators write laws.  They are the ones that write the laws that govern society whether at...
...the federal level..,
...the provincial level...
...or the municipal level.
Legislators are democratically elected.  Judges are people that are selected as sound interpreters of the laws that the democratically elected legislators enact.  So how is it then that a judge ruling that a conflict of interest has taken place and that the mayor's seat has been declared empty is somehow undemocratic when it was democratically elected people that created the rule in the first place?  It's an argument that holds as much water as...
...a Maple Leafs goaltender.
Now, I don't think that I'm particularly anti-Ford.  He was elected, his big plank is that he wanted to cut the budget and he did.  He's also a mess, but everyone knew that going in.  The box of goods that is "Rob Ford" was clearly labeled years before his mayoral run.
Fords may be boxy, but it's what's on the inside that counts.
People already knew that in exchange for leaner goverment came a circus, so whatever.

One last thing on this.  Today councilor Sherrey Carroll announced that "I could run this city a damn sight better" than Ford and that she'd be putting her name in to replace him.  Hm.  I suppose that that the downside of being the populist, average Joe, Johnny Punchclock candidate is that you are inherently also replaceable by anyone else by virtue of the admission that you're no one special.  Being the everyman is a fine card to play when you're popular, not so much when you've just been booted from office.

Best of luck, Rob!  You'll need it.


BLASTED!

And here's the next song for this item on the list.

If your, say, basketball team lost 138-9 that would be pretty bad, huh?  This week saw a crucial UN vote that would see the Palestine recognized as a non-member state in the United Nations which was passed by that tally: 138 for, 9 against with 41 abstentions.  One of the group of nine was us!  Canada!  Yay!

Now, I will say this.  I can understand, appreciate, and even respect one very solid reason why Canada voted against this resolution.  And it has nothing whatsoever to do with the Middle East.
Le belle provence.
Which makes sense, right?  If portions of nations go unilaterally declaring themselves states to the United Nations, what next?
The Republic of Alberta Welcomes You!
The Confederate States of America Welcomes You!
The Grand Duchy of New Jersey Welcomes You!
So, it's no great shock that Canada would be opposed to the resolution for this reason.  For the same reason I would assume that the United Kingdom would be opposed (Northern Ireland, Scotland), as well as Spain (the Basque region), Russia (Chechnya), and Belgium (Wallonia).  Except that wasn't what happened.  Of each of those countries with similar vested interests, only Canada voted against.  The United Kingdom abstained and the rest voted for the resolution.  I would like to reiterate that Spain with all of its grief with ETA and the Basque separatists voted for this resolution.  What is wrong with them?  You know what?  Tune them in, Johnny.
"This resolution will not advance the cause of peace or spur a return to negotiations.
Will the Palestinian people be better off as a result? No.
On the contrary, this unilateral step will harden positions and raise unrealistic expectations...
...while doing nothing to improve the lives of the Palestinian people."
Mm.  O.k.  I can see one really good reason why Canada would vote against the resolution, but in Foreign Minister John Baird's statement at the UN I saw no real mention of that or reference to it.  Instead what I gleaned was the message that the Palestinians must sit down, shut up, and wait their turn.  I'm not really pro-Israel or anti-Isreal, but I get the feeling that if a Québec-style referendum was done amongst Palestinians that they would vote overwhelmingly for sovereignty.  It's not a place like Québec or even Scotland where those who want sovereignty are a rabble rousing minority, but rather they are a real great big wad of people.

I also get the feeling that no one's right and no one's wrong.  I wouldn't completely support Israel because it seems like they're bullies.  I wouldn't completely support the Palestinians because of the indiscriminate terrorism they espouse.  Whatever they were doing up until this point has not been working, and you would have to be willfully blind not to see that.

Furthermore, with this resolution what the Palestinians have accomplished was a) non-violent and b) with a resounding nod of approval from the rest of the world's nations.  What's so wrong about that?  No rockets were fired, no government ministers were kidnapped and executed.  It was just a play by the Palestinians to breakup the log jam with Israel and procure themselves some negotiating power, again in a non-violent, globally approved method.

I guess I just don't see why Canada has such a love affair with Israel.  I get it that they are a rare developed, democratic Middle Eastern nation, which is laudable and ought to be protected, but not at the expense of the liberty of another nation.  Israeli hands are not clean.  Neither are Palestinian hands.  As Baird said, this has gone on for seven decades.  How much has improved?  Not much.  Maybe a new process is a good idea.  It sure couldn't hurt to try!

Oh, and lastly...
This Christmas why not get the John Baird action figure?  It's loudmouthed, finger pointing fun for the whole family!
Order yours today!


BOASTED!

And music for this entry is right here.

Guess where I'm going with this one.
Metaphor, perhaps?
Yes, this week The Onion declared...  Wait.  Let's get this right.  This week The Onion declared that in addition to being First Secretary of the Workers' Party of Korea, First Chairman of the National Defense Commission, Supreme Commander of the Korean People's Army, and Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-Un is also now the Sexiest Man Alive.

Ah, the Onion.
Uh huh.
Mmhmm.
Nice.
Yes, The Onion delivered the B.S. with such a straight face and so masterfully done that the Chinese bought it.  The suckers reported it as news!  And they didn't just give him a nice glossy center-fold to gawk at.  Oh no.  They gave him a fifty-five page spread!
I beg your pardon.
Fifty-five pages.
Fifty-five?
Fifty-five, Bob.  Fifty-five pages of...
Oooooo...
Ahhhhh...
Seriously, though, he's definitely not the ugliest brutal dictator I've ever seen.  I would think even that the adjective "cherubic" applies somewhat.  No, there are definitely far more hideous dictators out there.  For example...
Eeyah, those are eyebrows!
I'll keep going in the same category and take Eyebrows for $1,000, Alex.
Pol Pot did not collect $10.00 because he did not get 2nd place in a beauty contest.  Or 3rd...  Or 4th...
I could certainly add more to this list, but I think that after all the Baird pictures I've included the ugly quotient in this edition has long since been past.  So, before we damage anyone's eyeballs any further, I will bid you all...
Goof night!

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Interesting Movie Villains

With all the great movies out lately, I thought I'd make a list of the twenty-five movie villains that I find most interesting.  I don't really mean just general antagonists, but real honest-to-goodness villains.  The guys that wear the black hat, laugh maniacally, and do bad things for the same of doing bad things.  So please join me as I go through the list with you.  I was going to put them into some sort of numerical order, but found that to be a) too hard and b) totally pointless, so I'm just going with alphabetical order by the name of the character.  Enjoy!

Alex

Sneering.  Smug.  Cocky.  Chaotic.  Brutal.  There are so many descriptors that fit with the young Alex.  This gangster beats, rapes, steals, and gleefully destroys while professing his love for Beethoven.  Cheerfully nihilistic, he is like a Jack Kerouac character whose lust boils over and burns into something much darker.  You look at him and immediately think "I know someone like him", someone in high school that just kicked things or burned things or hurt people just for the sake of it, and you think to yourself that one day they'll get what's coming to them.  Throw him in jail!  Lock away the key!  Monsters like him have no place in society.  He must get reformed.  He must be fixed.

But then, there's the crux of his character.  You chain down the wild animal and you can sedate him.  You can torture him.  But can you fix him?  And what exactly are you fixing, anyhow?  And is the cure more toxic than the illness?  These are the questions that get asked when you watch A Clockwork Orange.  To see the villain that you've watched for so long in the movie do so many vile things and then to see him strapped into the chair with his eyes wired open as the state effectively says "We will fix you even if it breaks you."  It's chilling.  It's unsettling.  It makes you question the effective meaning of humanity.

Defining moment:
Beating an old man to the tune of "Singing in the Rain".  He takes great glee in his work.  The danger of this character is that there's this little bit of you that wants to giggle with him.


Max Bialystock

So, as I was compiling this list of compelling villains I asked myself, "Is Max Bialystock really a villain?"  I mean, who has Max really hurt?  Not me.  Not me...  But then I ask myself the opposite question, "Is Max Bialystock a hero?"  Ha!  Nope, he's way more villain than hero.

The amoral theatrical producer leer and swindles his way through little old widows and Nazis and a hapless accountant as he tries to defraud his way to Rio.  That's pretty villainous.  "Villain" is such a pliable word.  Maybe... rogue would be a better word.  Silver-tongued rogue.  However, like all good villains, the force of his will seems unstoppable.  No matter how down-and-out he may be, he always knows what he wants.  Shame only gets in the way of his lush for cash and Swedish secretaries.  While he may not be a criminal mastermind, he is a study in irrepressible self-indulgence.  Now, you have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect!

Defining moment:
Go!  To!  Work!


Bill

If there's one word that I could think of to describe Bill, it would be "serpentine".  Though "snake charmer" is his codename in the film, he was more that part of a snake than anyone else.  The leather shoulder pads, the image of his hands coiling around Sophie's neck, the chemical dart planting itself into the bride's neck in a lightning fast move make him slither around on the screen before he strikes.  At first when I heard that it was David Carradine playing the part I laughed when I thought of those bad old Kung Fu: The Legend reruns and I wondered if Tarantino had finally created an unentertaining film.  When I finally watched part two I had totally forgot those bad reruns.  What I was watching wasn't David Carradine, it was Bill.

This is the first of two Tarantino characters I've opted to select for this group and I have to say that as a villain he is shockingly good and I had no idea he had this in him.  Bill has his own morality, his own world.  If it comes out of line, he corrects it and let there be no misunderstanding of what a correction consists of.  While you can't really call him honourable, he has a code and there is an understanding.  A sort of social contract for contract killers.  He is what he is - no more, no less.  He's Bill.

Defining moment:
The scene at the church before the wedding.  Cold blooded Bill toys with his prey before lunging for the kill.  They never had a chance.


Brick Top

Let's make one thing crystal clear right off the hop: Guy Ritchie characters are live action cartoon characters.  From the two... strange con men in Revolver to Madonna, they are all pretty far-fetched.  However, of all the brilliant villainous jerks he's put on screen over the years, one stands high above the rest in terms of sheer villainy: Brick Top.  Why is he called "Brick Top"?  I don't know.  That one never gets explained.

I also don't know how Allan Ford kept a straight face all that time behind those googly glasses.  He hams it up so grandiosely that he's a stronger man than I am for leaving no noticeable twinkle in his eyes as he moseys through hog pens, boxing rings, and makeshift abattoirs.  I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Ford.  He steals the show, but with the megawattage of Pitt, del Toro, Jones, Statham, and Farina hogging all the space on the DVD cover his name sort of gets lost in the shuffle.  Make no mistake, though, he is absolutely menacing.  And so many great lines perfectly delivered.  If this is an accurate portrayal of a real-life boxing promoter I'm amazed that there are any boxers at all!

Defining moment:
Do you know what "nemesis" means?


Anton Chigurh

The thing that I've noticed about the antagonists in Coen Brother films are often not all that human.  Let me rephrase that.  They're not super-human as such, but are more metaphorical.  The character of Charlie Meadows in Barton Fink and the lesson of the goy's teeth in A Very Serious Man show that the protagonist is not fighting against just a man, but a force.  I have two Coen films on the list, back to back as the alphabet would have it, and this point is valid in both films.

Now what can I add to this Oscar winning display of villainy.  Ruthless doesn't even begin to describe him.  He is just a raw, relentless force of nature.  He is like this modern day Javert relentlessly pursuing his goal at any and all expense.  He is a killer, perhaps the killer that frightens other killers.  And it's not that he's unhinged either necessarily.  He's just extraordinarily goal orientated.  But beyond that, it's the coin tosses.  It's the notion that he's not just a guy with a silenced shotgun, but he is fate.  Personified.  Fate is chasing you.  Eventually you will be caught.

Defining moment:
The gas station scene.  More tension than a clock spring.  It is as though the grim reaper himself has filled up with unleaded.


Sheriff Cooley

The second Coen villain on the list is Sheriff Cooley of O Brother Where Art Thou, played by very ominously by Daniel Von Bargen.  In the sort of light-hearted, sort slapsticky comedic take on the Odessey Cooley stands alone as the one string binding the story together and tying the noose around the protagonists necks, both literally and figuratively.  Again there is this theme where the sheriff is not just a sheriff.  He's much more than that.

As the protagonists are gathered around the campfire, Tommy describes Cooley perfectly not as the sheriff, but as the devil himself.  It is established that what is chasing the escapees is not justice, but rather, and again, destiny.  They are supposed to be in jail, but they go out and now the must pay the price for their freedom: death.  Towards the end when Cooley finally catches up with them and gets down to the business of stringing them up, Everett ironically (you will recall he was thrown in jail for practicing law without a license) remarks "It ain't the law."  "The law?" Cooley scoffs.  "The law is a human institution."  He may not get much screen time, but whenever he's there it's chilling.

Defining moment:
The gallows scene.


Judge Doom

Who Framed Roger Rabbit is a truly great movie.  The special effects were of as fine of quality and so well executed I feel confident in putting it on the same shelf as Star Wars and Avatar.  However as George Lucas said, special effects are only a tool.  Not only was this movie a treat for the eyes, it was also well-written and acted.  Not only was it a show about cartoons, but it was also a great murder mystery as well!  The cherry on top of this marvelous movie sundae was the villain: Christopher Lloyd, aka. Judge Doom.

Of all of the Christopher Lloyd roles that come to mind prior to this move (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Taxi, Back to the Future, etc.) none of them prepared me for this.  Christopher Lloyd is just so Christopher Lloyd!  But then I saw him as Judge Doom and I just forgot that he was Christopher Lloyd and just watched him act.  Kind of like David Carradine as Bill, what I saw was none of the actor and all of the act, and that is the sign of the perfect actor in the perfect part.  The first dip demonstration.  The "shave and a haircut" bit.  The final confrontation.  Absolutely remarkable work from beginning to end.  For being a "cartoon" villain, he is as cold, as haunting, and as complex as any I've seen, hands down.

Defining moment:
The freeway tirade.  My God...  It was beautiful.


Dracula

I'm just going to take a moment here in complete awe of the chameleon Gary Oldman.  He is on this list three times (only twice as a villain), not because I have any particular love for him, but because the characters he's able to create are just so diverse and so gripping that if it wasn't for the credits it would be impossible to believe that he's the same person in each of his films.  In the first case he breathes new life (or rather, undeath) into a childhood love of mine: Dracula.  Bram Stoker's Dracula, is if there's any other kind.

The complete transformation from ancient creepy Transylvanian count to young cosmopolitan (and virile!) Transylvanian count was much more than just makeup.  He lords over his vampiric concubines, he broods through the streets of London, he toys with his pursuers, he manipulates Renfield (quick shout for Tom Waits!  Woot!), and he does it so elegantly.  The book (and I've read it twice before I was fourteen) is a series of journal entries on the surface, but it draws you in.  You feel like you're right there along with it.  You can smell the sanitarium, you feel exhilarated as they race towards Varna, and this movie brings it all to life in one great spectacle and the focal point is, I think, the finest Dracula to ever grace the stage.

Defining moment:
The scene with the razor in the beginning sets the tone for the remainder of the film.


Auric Goldfinger

Just to be sure, Auric Goldfinger is a fictional character.  I've selected only one Bond villain for the list, so I thought I'd pick the man with the golden name.  He's a card cheat, a golf cheat, and an all-around nasty guy.

So what makes a super-villain a super-villain?  Why Goldfinger and not, say, the ever effective Chris Lee or the lovable schlub Joe Don Baker?  Gert Fröbe sold it.  Better than anyone else.  An element that I've always considered a measure of a Bond villain is pomposity and he was as pompous as it got.  He captures Bond, who threatens his entire organization and he straps him to the table to kill him via laser.  Does he expect Bond to talk?  No, he expects him to die; aka. shut up and let him get on with making himself filthy rich.  Consider this: he gets all of his investors together in one room, fills it full of huge mechanical devices and intricate models, boasts a long-winded grandiose speech outlining plan to bomb Ft. Knox, and then gasses them all.  That, my friends, is gleefully pompous!  Though, honourable mention in pomposity ought to go to the massive electronic billboard of Jonathon Pryce...

Defining moment:
No, Mr. Bond!  I expect you to die!


Bert Gordon

If there's one thing that you can safely say about George C. Scott, is that he never, ever mails it in.  Every performance is a good one, authentic and forceful whether he's in the war room, the jury room, or getting a football kicked to the groin.  He puts together a masterful performance as a bookie Bert Gordon in The Hustler.

You know, some villains are easy to boo and hiss at, Bert Gordon makes me angry.  The way he uses and manipulates is subtle, brutal, and deadly.  If Brick Top was a caricature of a villain, Bert Gordon is the real deal.  I think that the reason why he's so effective and why he evokes such a strong response is that I really could imagine a Bert Gordon in real life.  I could smell the smoke on his jacket and the odor of pool halls following him around like a spectral trail.  I can see the look in his eyes that nail you to the wall.  I could see him slick and smug, grasping and tenacious.  He has his corner of the world, the people he interacts with and nobody knows him but he knows everyone he needs to.  His believability is what makes him so damn potent.  This is a very dark film, and I'll never forget the venom every time he calls Eddie a loser.  Brutal, awful, and just an amazing performance.

Defining moment:
The scene near the end when Bert confronts Sarah.  Then the lipstick on the mirror.  Nasty business.  A true, true villain.


Amon Göth

Problem: you need a good villain.  Solution: Nazi!  There are several mentions of Nazis on this list because by golly do they ever make reliable villains.  In this case le Nazi de l'heure est Ralph Fiennes as real life villain Commandant Amon Göth.  While at times it sounds as though he's doing a Dr. Strangelove (more on that later) impression, when you peel back the layers of the onion you get a surprisingly natural performance from Fiennes. 

As every great hero needs a great villain, Neeson has his Fiennes.  The contrast is extreme.  As Neeson exhibits his greatest work as Oskar Schindler, Fiennes likewise plays the other end of the spectrum.  If this movie has convinced me of one thing, during times of war the inmates run the asylum.  Murdering psychopaths are no longer seen as extremely dangerous, but rather extremely useful as Göth is shown true to life picking off prisoners with a scoped rifle from his balcony.  During the war he was a Commandant.  Once the war was over he was over he was found in an asylum before he was hanged.  Even his last words, Heil Hitler, showed that there was no reasoning whatsoever.  And it takes serious acting to make that look as real as if it was unfolding right before our eyes.

Defining moment:
The hanging at the end.  Right up until the bitter end.  There's footage of the real Amon Göth getting hung on YouTube, too.  Really frightening because it's frighteningly real.


Gy. Sgt. Hartman

Let's just leave aside the steady stream of obscenities that comes out of Lee Ermey's mouth at truly impressive volume.  Full Metal Jacket is divided just about right down the middle in two parts: basic training and Vietnam.  We can just trim off the Vietnam part and forget about it, because the basic training section could be not just a complete movie but a masterful movie in and of itself.  Essentially it's just a montage of a bunch of marines going through boot camp while Gy. Sgt. Hartman (truly an ironic name if ever there was one) berates them constantly.

Now, I've never been in the military, but I assume that these scenes are more common than not and that this isn't as much is a caricature as it seems.  I think that what makes Hartman seem like such a villain is the complete powerlessness you have.  It's one thing to instill discipline in troops, another thing to turn every waking moment into a nightmare.  The question is very similar to the one of Göth's: is this horrible soul twisting bullying or is this the necessity of life in the armed forces?  Is Hartman a hardcore evil dude or is he just very, very good at his job?  Maybe even a little too good?  Is Hartman really a villain or is he just someone that the state pays to do the unfortunately necessary job of training people to be killers?  Or is he both by definition?  I find myself with more questions than answers in the end.

Defining moment:
The very end.  Right until there very end he attempts to bully and bellow Pvt. Pyle into submission.


Adolf Hitler

Ooo boy.  Now we're jumping the shark.  After all Hitler's such an easy villain.  No one in history was responsible for the sheer volume of death in history as Hitler was, unless you want to argue that Stalin was worse, which is a fair argument, but since Stalin won the war we immediately think of Hitler first.  And yet, even to this day, in general far right wing groups, and specifics the Golden Dawn in Greece and Anders Breivik in Norway continue Hitler's legacy.  Nazism, so it would seem, is making a comeback.

In the movie Downfall, Bruno Ganz portrays an extraordinarily convincing Hitler.  Take a moment and google Ganz's Hitler and find a split-screen or side-by-side pictures if his Hitler and the real thing.  Shockingly close.  Frighteningly close.  That is, I believe, the real power of this character.  All due respect to Charlie Chaplin, watching Ganz was like having the real deal in your living room.  Worse still was the realization that the real deal was a drug addicted raving loon, and worse even still was that even in this state the whole nation was so maniacally built around on him that it wasn't until the bitter, bitter, bitter end that it was finally over.  No, the effectiveness of this villain is that it really happened and is continuing to happen today.

Defining moment:
The bunker rant scene, of course.


The Joker

There's something, and I'm not sure just what it is exactly, about "The Joker" that seems to be different from all of the other comic book bad guys - and not just Heath Ledger, but also Jack Nicholson as well, because let's not forget that Jack was nominated for a Golden Globe for best actor which puts it right up there with Hoffa, A Few Good Men, Easy Rider, and The Departed.  Even Mark Hamill's work as the Joker in the animated series has made him a benchmark in voice acting.  There's just something about the role that seem to elevate it above other comic book characters.

Maybe it's the chaotic neutrality of the character.  He never seems necessarily evil, but rather a pure distillation of nihilism, which drivers other villains into fits.  Maybe it's the sheer intensity that the character demands that makes it him so remarkable.  The Joker always seems right on the edge at all times.  When you think of other villains like The Penguin or, say, the Red Skull, they seem phoned in and lazy by comparison.  Maybe it's that even though he's a cold-blooded killer he's also genuinely hilarious.  Nicholson had several moments, like the Smilex commercial, as did Ledger, like the hospital bombing scene, where people were dying left and right, but you couldn't help but laugh along with you.  The character sucks you in that way.  Maybe it's coulrophobia.  Maybe it's the face.  Maybe it's the laugh.  Maybe it's the absurdity.  Whatever it is, it's powerful and seemingly universal no matter who it is that puts on the makeup and the purple suit.

Defining moment:
Either whipping out the absurdly long gun for Nicholson or the pencil trick for Ledger.  Either way, he's a killer and he's hilarious.


Juror #3

Of all of the villains on this list, Juror #3 is the only one that has any real sort of change of heart or understanding.  While others descend deeper and deeper into villainy, this juror hits bottom and realizes that ultimately what he's doing is wrong.  The story is quite simple: a kid from the bad part of town is on trial for killing his father.  If convicted he gets the death penalty, so it's up to the jury to sort it out whether or not the kid is guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.  Juror #3 is the boss of the "guilty" faction on top of being a loudmouth and a bully.

In the original version of the movie, Lee J. Cobb has the role and plays it with a brooding, blustering gusto.  In the remake the role is passed on to the growling snarl of ever-capable villain George C. Scott.  (Apparently Juror #3 must be played by actors who include their middle initials in their names.)  There is a moment at the end that's what really sells it to me that this character is a great villain: repentance.  It really doesn't happen very often because it's often way too easy to cast solid good against solid evil, but when it dawns on him that he's not convicting the kid on the stand, but his own relationship with his son it's a revelation and a brilliant cinematic moment and shows that villains need not go down with the ship.

Defining moment
Testing the angle of the switchblade's stab.  Pure tension.


Karla

There is something about an unseen enemy which can be just as, if not more menacing than one completely visible on screen.  I'll use Karla as an example from the recent Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, but the are several great and worthy examples.  Yo didn't see any more of Bill than his hands until the second volume.  Ernst S. Blofeld was arguably less menacing once he was more than just a voice stroking a cat.  Hal 9000 was just a red light.  George Orwell's Big Brother is another classic example.  Somewhat more subtle are Sheriff Cooley who never removes his sunglasses, thus denying the window to the soul, and V in V for Vendetta who never removes his mask.

But back to Karla.  All you really ever see of Karla is his back and him sitting at a table across a Hungarian street.  You never do see his face, but that's not to say that he has never been seen.  In fact, the main character had sat face-to-face with him.  A rather tipsy George Smiley (Gary Oldman, ladies and gentlemen!) stares right square at the camera with his Brick Top glasses and talks as though right to Karla.  And then in the next shot there's a profile of George to one side of the screen as though the apparition of Karla is on the other side.  See, the purpose of the unseen villain in many cases is not so that you know less of your antagonist, but rather that they act as a mirror and bring out a greater understanding of the protagonist.  In the end George is asked what Karla looked like and Gorge... just simply can't remember, because it really doesn't matter in the end that's not the point, is it?

Defining moment:
The torture chamber.


Col. Hans Landa

Alright.  Just one last Nazi to round off the list.  Col. Hans Landa, gleefully played by Christoph Waltz in an Oscar winning performance, steals the whole show in Inglorious Basterds lock, stock, and barrel.  Like Full Metal Jacket, though (and Up!), the movie could be just the opening scene and that would have been fine.  If the movie would have stopped with Shoshanna running off into the distance it still would have been a masterpiece.  The rest of the film ain't bad at all, but it's that first scene that's pure magic.

You know, I could see Waltz playing the Joker.  He has perfect comic timing, just the right sort of goofiness for the part, but can still play the role black as night.  The way he slowly reels in the farmer, the grown up Shoshanna, the "Italians" is perfect.  The logic he applies to his amorality is plain cold.  This is not the same mentally unbalanced Nazi as with Göth or Hitler, but a true villain in control of all of his faculties.  He's not a wolf in sheep's clothing, for he's admittedly a wolf wearing a wolf's clothing.  Instead he's lion with the toothache that charms the mouse into climb into his mouth to remove the toothache causing splinter.  Before they know it, they're caught in his web and there is no getting out.

Defining moment:
The farmhouse scene, hands down.


Bill Lumbergh

Villains need not be bent on world domination, nor even murderers.  Hell, Bill Lumbergh isn't even CEO!  Nevertheless, he is the boss and he strikes fear into the hearts of many not because he is so great and powerful, but because he is so imminent.  He's not just the boss, he's everyone's boss.  He is the embodiment of "boss".  Just about everyone has a boss, so just about everyone can relate to his brand of terror.

Who makes you do everything at work that you don't want to do?  Bill Lumbergh.  Who makes you work on Saturday?  Bill Lumbergh.  Who keeps adding one complication after the next to make your work harder day after day?  Bill Lumbergh.  Who sucks all the life out of your job and makes you walk on eggshells when they're around?  Bill Lumbergh.  Seemingly innocuous with his coffee cup, his pink power ties, and his painstakingly inoffensive, non-confrontational candor, he is the embodiment of terror.

Defining moment:
Yeah...  If you wouldn't mind coming in Sunday, too, that would be great.  Thanks...


Tiberiu Manescu

In a way, Tiberiu is like Max Bialystock.  Is he the really villain of the show?  Sort of.  Is he the hero, then?  No way!  In the great minimalist comedy 12:08 East of Bucharest he plays the high school history teacher in a small city who's also a miserable drunk that appears to owe money to just about everyone.  One day the local TV approaches him, the history teacher, to talk about the day that Ceausescu was overthrown.  He does them one better and tells him he was there in the city square with some friends staging a revolution in their town, too!

Unfortunately it's all a lie, and watching the lie get dismantled on live television as callers phone in one by one to snipe at him as he shrinks in his chair makes for some of the funniest deadpan humour I've ever seen.  At the end of the show when the host gives him one last chance to come clean, Tiberiu declines.  What makes this role so memorable is that, like Max, he is a rogue right down to his very core.  Even when about to march off the side of a cliff, there is no deviation and no retreat.  The only way through is forward and to hell with the consequences.  Shame be damned.

Defining moment:
When the Chinese grocery store owner phones in.


Sir William McCordle

It just wouldn't be right to have a list of great villains without the superb Michael Gambon in attendance.  In this case, I present to you the sprawling whodunit, Gosford Park.  Gambon's character, Sir William McCordle is a brilliant villain and it's a dirty shame that he's also the victim because he's brilliantly loathsome. The utterly unlikable British nobleman invites a vast and varied cast of characters to his estate for a weekend hunting trip.  It gets to be a real spider's web of relationships between all of the characters, but at the centre is the wealthy host who is condescension personified - until he ends up murdered.

There is just so much about him that makes his performance so delightful to watch.  The contempt that he shows towards his fawning relatives.  The affairs not-so-secret affairs that he's had with the maids that everyone seems to know about.  His fabulous wealth that he shamelessly made off the back of World War I, with the World War I veteran in the room.  The batting of the coffee cup of his desk.  And, of course, his dog.  There is just so much to hate about this guy that it's a shame that someone had to kill him because I would have loved to have hated him for the remainder of the movie.  Dirty shame.  I don't recall him smiling once the whole film...

Defining moment:
The foreshadowing while out hunting.


The Sheriff of Nottingham

Alright.  Another British nobleman (sort of), but here is the million dollar question: Pat Buttram?  Pat Buttram?  I can understand well Peter Ustinov as Prince John, but who's big idea was it to cast Mr. Haney as the Sheriff of Nottingham?  My best guess is that, well, if he's going to be a sheriff, they may as well make him a sheriff.  And yet it works, for me at least.  There's something about the grinning, aww shucks-ing, slow talking, hayseed snake oil salesman approach to the character that I always found to be an interesting take on the character.  (Also, Roger Miller as Alan-a-Dale...)

However, I'll tell you why in particular the Sheriff stuck with me when over the years there have been so many other great Disney villains hamming up the screen over the years.  Say you wanna have your character show the audience just how bad he is.  Get him to go on stage and say something like, oh I dunno, "For you, the day Bison graced your village was the most important day of your life. But for me... it was Tuesday."  People will say, "Ooooo!  He's mean!"  Well, unless I missed something somewhere, and it's very possible I have, the Sheriff is the only Disney villain to rob a church.  Cruella did some nasty things, "Man" shooting Bambi's mother was a tear-jerker, Cpt. Hook was vile, and Gaston was horrible, but the Sheriff not only stole from the infirm, but he took the pennies right out of the poor box.  Shame!

Defining moment:
The climax of the film involved neither Robin Hood, nor Little John, nor Prince John.  The stormy battle of good and evil there in the churchyard was the greatest act of sheer villainy I've ever watched in a Disney movie.


Emperor Palpatine

I've looked a few "Best Villain Ever" lists in the making of this entry and there's one common villain at or near the top of the totem pole every time: Darth Vader.  Well, I'm going to say a few kind words about his master, Emperor Palpatine.  On these lists he gets next to no credit at all when really he's a pretty darn acceptable villain in his own right - he just gets overshadowed by Darth Vader.  So in this way he's sort of the Ringo Starr of villains.

Of the new Star Wars movies (Episodes I-III) there's a whole lot of crap and incoherence.  The one nice, shining part of this whole series of movies is Palpatine.  As much as you see the transformation of Anakin to Vader, you see the transformation of Palpatine from lowly senator to Emperor.  He certainly played everyone else for fools.  H killed Samuel L. Jackson!  Not even snakes could do that!  There wouldn't even be a Darth Vader without a Darth Sidius.  Plus he outlived Chris Lee, who himself is pretty near immortal.  So the next time you watch Star Wars think not of Darth Vader, but rather of the series's unsung hero, Palpatine.

Defining moment:
Rise.


Brig. Gen. Jack Ripper

Everyone in the film Dr. Strangelove is comical.  The doctor himself, President Muffley, the Russian Ambassador, Major Kong, Group Captain Mandrake, General Turgidson (George C. Scott mention #3!).  Everyone except Gen. Ripper.  Every time I watch the show, I can't help but get the feeling like everyone else's characters in the film are like rubber balls bouncing around - except Ripper.  Ripper is like this great planet sitting there seemingly motionless as a dozen moons whirl around him orbiting this way and that, and that it is Ripper's gravity that keeps it all held together instead of spinning off into chaos.

So much is made of Sellers playing three roles and of Scott falling down and going boom and of Pickens really falling down and going boom that I find that the importance of Sterling Hayden's Ripper is lost in the mix.  His deep, slow talking voice, the cigars, the low, low camera angles, and his inspired insanity makes for a genius villain.  As he explains the cold, fluid logic of his actions to the cartoonish Mandrake and it starts to sink in what's really going on.  The best way that I can describe is is that he is a madman in complete control who knows exactly what he needs to do to save the world.  When the rest of the cast descends into confusion, he's the only one (with the possible exception of Major Kong) that's a rock.  What a great performance.

Defining moment:
The machine gun.


Judah Rosenthal

Judah Rosenthal had it all.  He was a respected Ophthalmologist.  Tons of cash, nice house, respect, wife and kids.  What more could one want?  A mistress is the answer, but also the problem as she then wanted to be #1.  Something had to be done about it.  So he calls up his mobster brother and after much hand-wringing and self-doubt he goes through with it and has her killed.  He's now a murderer.  He's ready to face the consequences of his actions.  Only there are none.  The murder was clean and no one suspects him.  He's gotten away with it.  Free as a bird.

This is the whole crux of the film.  Quite obviously Judah is the villain.  He had his mistress murdered!  But then no one really ever noticed.  He has a conscience, but as time passes and he realizes that he's in the clear you can almost see his guilt vanish.  The essential question is whether there really are cosmic consequences to all of our actions.  No lightning bolt struck him down.  He wasn't visited by three ghosts in the night.  Though there was the proverbial deal with the devil, the devil never bothered to collect.  Judah puts forward the idea that it's not that if there were no consequences it would be easy to be the villain, but rather it is easy to be the villain when there are no consequences.

Defining moment:
His speech in the end.  You're looking at a free man, folks.  Smiling has never been this easy.


Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg

Originally I was going to give this spot to Le Chifre from Casino Royale, but I thought that I'd instead hand this one off to the capable Gary Oldman for his third mention in this post.  What's always intrigued me is the idea of the main antagonist being in more mortal danger from his fellow antagonists than the protagonist.  In Casino Royale, if the villain Le Chifre does not defeat James Bond he's going to be killed not by Bond, but by his own side - a problem I guarantee you Dracula never had to worry about.  The same scenario has ensnared Zorg in the middle between the ragtag band of heroes and, simply, "The Great Evil".

I've always enjoyed films that have seen the villains desperate, trapped between a rock and a hard place.  Zorg hams it up great for the camera as the flashy swindler, but there are other greats along this vein, too.  The Mel Gibson movie Payback had a whole pantheon of villains all the way up the chain who got as much grief from Gibson as they did their higher ups in the organization.  Another Bond film, The Living Daylights, had villains chased from both directions, as well.  In the end it's no fun being the bad guy when there's a worse guy right behind you.  Well, fun to watch - not so much fun to be.

Defining moment
I'm screwed.