This morning at my day job (which I will not be quitting) as we were running out the clock on 2011, the topic of conversation switched to really weird video games, and so throughout the day I've been thinking about this. What are some of the weirdest, craziest, unique games I've ever seen or played? Here's a nifty little set of five for you to check out to see if you've ever experienced any of them before. And, by the way, they are in no particular order. Check it out!
DESERT BUS
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| Wow! A bus simulator! Step aside, Driver: San Fransisco. There's a new sheriff in town. |
Yes, Desert Bus. That was the game that we were talking about, so I thought that it would be only fitting that it be mentioned first. Just what is Desert Bus? Well, to preface the explanation, the game was the brain child of these two diabolical souls pictured below.
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| Yes, this is the most smug picture of them I could find without expounding much effort. |
The game was a mini-game ("mini-game") as part of an unreleased Sega CD title by these two impish assholes. On paper, the aim of the game is to drive the bus from San Antonio, TX to Las Vegas, NV, which sounds easy, right? Well, the game is in real time, which means that it takes over EIGHT HOURS to get there. Yes, the bus is limited to 45 mph.
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| No, not 88 mph. That would be twice as fast. And cool. And you could time machine your way there. |
Furthermore, the bus lists to the right constantly, so you can't just tape down the button and walk away. YOU MUST SIT THERE AND DRIVE THE WHOLE WAY. And what's your reward for getting there? One (1) point. And then you get to drive back. Oh, and if you veer off the road at all, you get towed back to San Antonio, again IN REAL TIME. If you drive two hours out, you get towed two hours back. And there's no bright lights or big city of Las Vegas either. After a while the skyline gets to dusk and nightfall, and after five hours or so in a bug splatters on the windshield, but beyond that, there's nothing at all going on graphically.
So what is the point of this? Well, Penn and Teller decided to make a non-violent video game that had really real realism in response to all the pundits and loudmouths that say that video games are ruining kids' minds. I dunno about you, but ringing up two points in this game would warp my mind more than any Grand Theft Auto ever did.
Moving on.
KABUKI QUANTUM FIGHTER
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| Tron called. They want their art design back. They said you could keep the hair, though. |
Next up on the weird list is
Kabuki Quantum Fighter, a 1990 release on the NES. Now, before we continue, let's back up the bus (no need to wait for a tow truck here) for a moment and think about this rationally. Let's break down the weird step-by-step.
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| Kabuki |
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| Quantum |
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| Fighter |
Hmm... O.k. Well, it may not seem coherent to look at it, but once you play it, though. It, uh, totally, uh, makes sense. You know what? Maybe if I described the action it'd make sense. So, you're this red-headed dude (red hair = 10 bonus points in my scoring system) whose mind has been totally turned into binary programming that goes around killing bad guys as one of his kabuki ancestors in this futuristic sorta kinda world with alien beasts on a background that looks and feels like the sewers in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles NES game, only less New York and more C64. With me so far? Oh, but wait! Get this! What's his weapon? Crazy kabuki dance moves? Ziggy? Communism? No! Even better! His hair! Eeee! What an awesome idea! Using your HAIR as a WEAPON! Why, I betcha nobody's ever done that idea before.
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| I've heard of an offensive haircut, but this is ridiculous! |
Uhhhh... Hm! Well. At any rate, it's a bizarre game.
Next!
RAGS TO RICHES
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| Food / Rest vs. Alcohol. You be the judge. |
Ladies and gentlemen, Exhibit C:
Rags To Riches. You know what I like about video games from the 80's? The programming was simple enough that just about any old slob (Bob Keener... Paging Bob Keener...) could make one. So what you get is all these crazy weird games that are totally unique. Here's an example. Every single Grand Theft Auto game is cut from the same cloth: Scarface. You're this small fish that grows up and topples an criminal empire. Not Rags to Riches, though. Nuh uh. You start the game as a drunken hobo!
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| Did someone say "hobo"?! |
No no no. No shotguns. This isn't Grand Theft Auto. You don't get a shotgun, you get an education! That's right! You start out as a drunken bum wandering around an unnamed city, which we will call "Hope Town" for the same of argument. You go to a soup kitchen, get a haircut, go bust your ass at some part time jobs, find an apartment, go to high school, work in an industrial plant, pay your way through college, and become an investment broker. Yes, sir, the American Dream. No shotguns, no high speed chases, no drug dealing. I suppose that that's what makes this game so damn weird. You come about your fortune honestly. That's
weird for a video game. However, it's not all a bowl of cherries is you go skipping merrily along on your path to the megabucks, and "Executive Lunch"-es with "the Donald" in the "North" end of town. Meet your antagonist:
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| Be afraid. Be very afraid. |
Yes, the Internal Revenue Service is here to break you in ways that Dolph Lundgren only dreams about. If one of these bad boys crosses your path (HINT: THE HAVE A GIANT "IRS" SIGN FLASHING OVER THEIR HEAD), they will empty your bank account faster than you can say "tax evasion". It is as if the game has its own cheat code that it uses on you, which makes it very, VERY cheap and impossible to beat, but I suppose that's O.k. since there's no "winning" the game anyway. Just the satisfaction that you've made Hope Town a better place. Or at least improved its tax revenue. And for the record, I think that this would be a SWEET game to remake with modern graphics and design. Picture it: Rags to Riches as an FPS! Well, the "S" might stand for "Scavenging" through a junkyard for bottles to trade in for a buck, but gosh darn it, it's still more exciting than Minecraft!
Onward!
EVERSION
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| Wow! What a pretty, happy, cute game! |
Now this is a really, really weird game. EVERSION!!! This indie PC game was released by Zarathustra Productions in the end of 2008. Just look at the picture! It looks so cute! It's like they live across the street from the Care Bears! ... But wait. What's this? A warning. "Not for children or those of a nervous disposition". Huh. That's weird. It seems so cute and innocent that-
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| Going down through the rabbit hole... INTO THE BOWELS OF HELL!! |
WAURGH!! Holy crap! This game's insane! To evert is to turn inside out, and that's pretty much exactly what happens as this innocent little game gets darker and darker and
darker as you go along. Maybe I'm a lightweight (figuratively), but it seriously creeped me out! If you like horror films and games and stuff, THIS IS THE GAME FOR YOU. If you do not, I would strongly recommend avoiding because it goes to some really dark and scary places.
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| This is the pre-eversion Baxter. Post-eversion Baxter looks kinda like a raw turkey. |
O.k., so maybe it's not THAT dark or scary, but I have to say, even though I'm not a fan of scary games this game develops so seamlessly that you just get sucked into it. And the in-game sound effects and music are absolutely perfect for task at hand. Creepy and weird as hell, but certainly worthy of a sincere slow clap of admiration.
And lastly...
KARNOV
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| If you ever wondered what it would look like if Zhangief and Dhalsim had a child... |
Speaking of "I MUST BREAK YOU", here's
Karnov. Here you play as a central asian circus strongman who battles dinosaurs and collects floating letter "K"'s so that he can collect a bunch of treasures. Yes, we're in flavour country now, folks. Oh, hey! And who is the end boss of this game? "The Wizard"! Now let's see... Flying lizards... Barbarians... Wizard bashing... Where have I seen this before?
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| My name is Ulfric Stormcloak, and I approve of this game. |
No, nothing comes to mind now that I think of it. At any rate, I remember playing this game when I was a kid. I remember running around, collecting "K"'s beating up bad guys, but all the while, I just couldn't get around how totally weird this game was. It really made no sense. I kind of like to have some sense of what's going on here. I found the enemies to be pretty frustratingly difficult, and I had to collect items like shoes and ladders that I had no clue what they did or meant! With all the weird enemies and strange location, it kinda reminded me of a Castlevania game. Only with a different protagonist.
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| My barber didn't know when to quit... Do you? |
Yeah, this game really rates high on the "weird" scale. Again, it seemed to be one of those games back in the NES days where you could develop and put out a game for next to nothing, shotgun all your ideas out there (hobo or non), and see what stuck and what people bought into.
So, there are five pretty weird ones. I might come out with more later for fun. It's kind of a fun way to make these long nights move right along, but that's it for now.
Over and out.
